The past few months have been crazy... and I have a feeling that the next few will continue to keep me on my toes. Life is so dynamic... constantly in flux. It feels like you barely have a second to get comfortable and then things change and it's onto the next thing... or sometimes back to the old. And, as taxing as this emotional roller coaster can be, the one thing I'm learning is that you have to get comfortable being uncomfortable. When all is said and done things are pretty incredible, and while sometimes I wish I could go back in time and make better decisions or react in a different way, really I wouldn't change a thing. This is life. This is the consequence of being free.
In the past few months I've faced the fear of allowing myself to be vulnerable, felt the bitterness of disappointment, struggled with my own feelings of anger and judgement, taken time to learn to let go and draw close to God, laughed until I cried, cried until finally I could laugh again, had visions of a future entirely different from anything I ever thought possible for my life, felt an awakening of my heart and a new voice bubbling up from within myself, soared high on fumes of success, and fell short in so many ways. When I was a girl I thought that by the time I was 25 I'd have it all figured out, but now I know that this is only the beginning of learning who I am and what I'm here for. I feel so privileged to have this opportunity to grow, exploring all the possibilities, dreaming impossible and illogical dreams, and allowing myself the space to fail miserably.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the story of the exodus from Egypt. The Israelites were slaves to the Egyptians. They lived in horrible conditions - humiliated and held captive. Then God sent Moses to lead them out of slavery. Sounds great, yeah? Moses was going to bring them to the Promised Land - a place that flowed with milk and honey, a place they could only dream of. And you want to know the crazy thing? They had barely left Egypt and the Israelites were already wishing they could go back. The asked Moses why he didn't just leave them there. The truth was, they had accepted their slavery, become comfortable in their predictable misery. And, while the Promised Land sounded great, the journey there involved going through the Wilderness. Now the Wilderness is a tough place to be. They had no idea what to expect. They didn't know where their next meal would come from and they didn't know how long they would have to wander. And I'm sure they questioned whether or not the Promised Land even existed. Why should we uproot our lives in search of something that seems so impossible??? But God provided... He gave them manna every morning. He met their needs. And He was with them as they struggled in the Wilderness. Even though it was the hardest and bravest thing they had ever done, they were never alone. Even when they got to the Promised Land and encountered conflict and opposition, God never left their side. But once we've gotten through the Wilderness and faced whatever opposition comes our way... on the other side is everything we ever dreamed of... more than that even... on the other side is victory... on the other side is everything God has promised to us. Why are people so comfortable in their slavery? Nothing good will ever come without stepping boldly out into the Wilderness and fighting through every trial. It will seem impossible. God will never call you to do anything that isn't impossible... without Him that is. The greatness we are designed for is something that we cannot achieve on our own, but only because God is with us.
Sometimes it seems like we've walked through the Wilderness our whole lives. Sometimes we can't even remember what we were heading towards in the first place... can't remember what our Promised Land will even look like. Sometimes we don't even know that it's possible, and we think that there isn't anything more for us than slavery. Sometimes we just aren't willing to face the fear of walking through the Wilderness for a while. I feel like a lot of people in my life have been walking through the Wilderness this past year. They know that they are meant for something greater, and with each step closer that they take, more obstacles are put in their way. But I know that the time is coming. In fact I believe that the time is near. I've been meditating on this all through Advent, as I await Christmas - the time that we celebrate the arrival of our King. In the midst of this dark and stormy winter a great light is coming that will light the way out of the Wilderness. I see an incredible breakthrough in the new year. I keep hearing this word in my heart - victory... VICTORY!! 2011 is going to be a big year. And the crazy thing is that the Promised Land might not look like what we thought. There was a time when I thought I would arrive to a life where I was a doctor or a scientist. I wanted the esteem of society and my peers... I wanted money. And then I did something crazy... I started chasing after God and what He wants for me. And everything changed. I learned that music makes me feel more alive than a discussion on viral entry mechanisms. I learned that my relationships matter more than my resume. I learned that you have to do what brings you Joy, not what brings you wealth. I learned that there is nothing more exhilarating and satisfying than doing exactly what you were designed for... not just what you're good at.
And so now I fall asleep with new dreams dancing around in my head. A vision of a non-profit with a mission that I believe in with all my heart. Drumbeats that keep time with my heartbeat. Guitar rifts that make me want to cry. And a song that will tell the world everything that I am dying to scream out. A life built on love and joy and faith... and the absolute trust that anything more that I need will be provided... as manna rained down on the Israelites.
20 December 2010
27 October 2010
Update from the Academic Trenches
I am sitting in class watching a documentary about the earthquake in Haiti and my min is spinning. I must be crazy to want to do this work. The issues that come with relief and development work are infinite. Just in examining this particular disaster, the whole thing seems impossibly complicated.
It is difficult to imagine destruction and tragedy of this scale here in America. Until something like this happens, how can anyone wrap their head around it? How could you even begin to understand until you are standing in the middle of it? Even the devastation of Hurricane Katrina pales in comparison. It is difficult to imagine any disaster big enough to wipe out the resources and infrastructure of a country as large as the U.S. As States and regions experience catastrophic events, the impact is absorbed by the rest of the country. But, in the case of a small nation like Haiti, a single earthquake can wipe out an entire country - the government, hospitals, infrastructure, communications, existing aid agencies... everything gone. They are dependent on the international community, Additionally, you have in this situation a nation that was already devastated by poverty and political unrest. The U.S. is a fine specimen of modern architecture, retrofitted for seismic disruption, engineered to be strong and resilient, while Haiti is a crude building, built with sub-par material and no building code to adhere to. One can imagine the incredible difference in effect the same earthquake has on these two buildings. The same earthquake that damages the one, flattens the other (and every body inside).
Then there's the question of America's role in contributing to poverty - political decisions weakening small economies and governments. Then, when disaster strikes and people are suffering, the "villains" become the "heroes", desperately trying to flood a country with aid. What were we doing before the earthquake? Were we helping people then? Do our actions (or inactions) create a situation in which, during times of crisis, allow the consequences to be far greater than if we had made wiser choices in the past?
And now, how to go about really helping. Can we just go in and throw money and resources at an issue without looking forward to the potential consequences? How do you balance the heart to do good with the reality that in some cases humanitarian efforts can have negative effects as well? How do you help, in a way that is responsible? And as I'm considering all of these things from an academic standpoint - prioritizing needs, balancing acute care with long-term public health concerns, the challenge of working in a resource-limited situation, the issue of providing food for aid workers when the people they are trying to help go hungry, the disruption to existing systems when outside agencies and groups come in and impose their own systems, the problem of aid becoming a crutch and making a country dependent on it....... the list goes on and on - I know that I cannot ignore the call that I have to try to make a positive impact on the global level. I have been blessed with the mind, heart, and education to be a leader in my field, and the question is where to start.
If examining one event in one country is this overwhelmingly complex, how impossible do things look on a global scale? There are catastrophic situations going on all over the world at any moment and there doesn't ever seem to be the "right" answer in addressing them. So what small role am I going to play in this? What task has God set aside for me... what role have I been assigned in the greater plan?
It is difficult to imagine destruction and tragedy of this scale here in America. Until something like this happens, how can anyone wrap their head around it? How could you even begin to understand until you are standing in the middle of it? Even the devastation of Hurricane Katrina pales in comparison. It is difficult to imagine any disaster big enough to wipe out the resources and infrastructure of a country as large as the U.S. As States and regions experience catastrophic events, the impact is absorbed by the rest of the country. But, in the case of a small nation like Haiti, a single earthquake can wipe out an entire country - the government, hospitals, infrastructure, communications, existing aid agencies... everything gone. They are dependent on the international community, Additionally, you have in this situation a nation that was already devastated by poverty and political unrest. The U.S. is a fine specimen of modern architecture, retrofitted for seismic disruption, engineered to be strong and resilient, while Haiti is a crude building, built with sub-par material and no building code to adhere to. One can imagine the incredible difference in effect the same earthquake has on these two buildings. The same earthquake that damages the one, flattens the other (and every body inside).
Then there's the question of America's role in contributing to poverty - political decisions weakening small economies and governments. Then, when disaster strikes and people are suffering, the "villains" become the "heroes", desperately trying to flood a country with aid. What were we doing before the earthquake? Were we helping people then? Do our actions (or inactions) create a situation in which, during times of crisis, allow the consequences to be far greater than if we had made wiser choices in the past?
And now, how to go about really helping. Can we just go in and throw money and resources at an issue without looking forward to the potential consequences? How do you balance the heart to do good with the reality that in some cases humanitarian efforts can have negative effects as well? How do you help, in a way that is responsible? And as I'm considering all of these things from an academic standpoint - prioritizing needs, balancing acute care with long-term public health concerns, the challenge of working in a resource-limited situation, the issue of providing food for aid workers when the people they are trying to help go hungry, the disruption to existing systems when outside agencies and groups come in and impose their own systems, the problem of aid becoming a crutch and making a country dependent on it....... the list goes on and on - I know that I cannot ignore the call that I have to try to make a positive impact on the global level. I have been blessed with the mind, heart, and education to be a leader in my field, and the question is where to start.
If examining one event in one country is this overwhelmingly complex, how impossible do things look on a global scale? There are catastrophic situations going on all over the world at any moment and there doesn't ever seem to be the "right" answer in addressing them. So what small role am I going to play in this? What task has God set aside for me... what role have I been assigned in the greater plan?
12 October 2010
Freedom
The last couple weeks have been pretty powerful. There have been a lot of different things that I've wanted to blog about, but never took the time. And, looking back, I noticed an over-arching theme. I am desperately praying for (and moving towards) FREEDOM.
Before the retreat, there was a shadow of fear over me. I kept praying for a releasing of that fear. I found myself some days paralyzed by anxiety and unable to drag myself out of bed. I didn't know what to expect from the retreat, but I was terrified of that as well. I felt nervous, like a kid going off to camp - wondering if I would fit in... if I would feel like I had friends in a strange place so far from home. I felt uncertain of what I wanted out of the experience and uncertain of the direction that God wanted me to be going in during that time. And so I prayed. I prayed for courage, for strength. I prayed for a releasing of my fear and anxiety. Unable to sleep the first night, I literally found myself at the foot of the cross, pouring my heart out... praying for the courage to leave it all at His feet. I realized that I NEEDED to let go. I needed to let go of my fear. I needed to let go of control. I needed to trust in something outside of myself. And, even if that is the desire of my heart, it is still a difficult thing to actually DO.
That desire was put to the ultimate test for me. The very next morning, I decided on a whim to forgo shopping in Sonora and joined a couple of my girlfriends who got persuaded into doing the high ropes course. Now the thing you need to understand is that I am TERRIFIED of heights. An old boyfriend once took me rock-climbing without knowing this and I had a panic attack (much to his surprise) halfway up the wall and made a fool of myself with a full-on meltdown. I get nervous just watching another person on a ladder. Yet something inside of me told me that it was time to put some action behind those prayers. I first did the "Leap of Faith"... a climb up a tree to a small platform 50 feet from the ground... and then you jump. You jump out to a trapeze bar, hoping that you'll grab it because for some reason you just can't get your brain to really believe that you are held by a safety harness and will not plummet to your death. After that, I did the ropes course - climbing to 40 feet and walking along tight-ropes from tree to tree, clipping my harness onto wires above me as I moved along, and ending with a zip-line back down to Earth. The whole time my legs were trembling and I felt like I couldn't breathe. My body ached from climbing up the trees and clinging to the ropes and wires as I navigated the course. At one point I wanted so badly to stop. I was tired and I was scared and I just didn't want to do any more... and I heard myself say, "You have to finish. You have no choice." And that was the truth. There was no stopping. There was no way down but to go forward through to the end of the course. And in that moment I realized something... what ever made me think that giving up in the face of fear was ever an option? How many times have I let fear keep me from moving forward in my life? How many times have I sacrificed the life I want and the person I want to be because I was scared and didn't want to deal with feeling uncomfortable? The reality is... I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE! There is one path for me. There is one life that God has intended for me and I have no other choice but to keep moving forward in the face of all of my fears. How different would my life be if I thought about it in this way? On that ropes course, I did something amazing. I was terrified, and yet I kept moving forward. I completed something even though I was sick with fear and felt uncomfortable both physically and emotionally. And the only way I was able to get through that was (1) I told myself there was no other choice and (2) I prayed for God to take away my fear... I confessed my trust in Him and stopped depending on myself with all of my limitations and instead I believed that I could do something extraordinary because of God
We seek freedom, but how much are we willing to give up in order to get that? We are bound to all of these things like shackles on our legs and somehow that imprisonment is a source of some sort of twisted comfort. Even when we are free from our chains, sometimes we sit with them still in our hands, unable to claim our freedom that is there for the taking. I have worked very hard for over 10 years to break free from the chains that have bound me. And, it is surprisingly hard to walk away from that which has held me captive, even once those shackles are broken. It is one thing to have these incredible experiences and moments of enlightenment... but the tough part is in the reality of life... putting it into practice day after day... moment after moment. We all have things that bind us - things that enslave us. Some are easier to give up than others. Slowly I have been giving up all of the things that have kept me from a relationship with God and from claiming the freedom that is my birthright as a daughter of the king. And on a daily basis I am struggling with that one thing that has held power over me for so many years. After all these years of hard work, the shackles are broken... I am no longer chained to it... and yet it takes incredible strength to walk away. There are times when I throw down those chains in disgust and strut off. There are times when I turn back as the fear creeps in. Freedom is HARD. Freedom takes courage. Freedom takes trust in God. Freedom takes sacrifice. This is my greatest struggle right now, but a battle I am confident will be won. I trust in God - my Father and my protector. I know that all that He has planned for me is good... if only I would reach out and take it. So I pray daily to be fortified by God - to be made strong and courageous... so that I can humble myself and lay down those chains once and for all... so that I can give it all up - my fear, my need for control, my self-destructive security blankets, and every wall that I have built up around my heart - give it all up to the one who desires to take on our every burden and release us into FREEDOM.
Before the retreat, there was a shadow of fear over me. I kept praying for a releasing of that fear. I found myself some days paralyzed by anxiety and unable to drag myself out of bed. I didn't know what to expect from the retreat, but I was terrified of that as well. I felt nervous, like a kid going off to camp - wondering if I would fit in... if I would feel like I had friends in a strange place so far from home. I felt uncertain of what I wanted out of the experience and uncertain of the direction that God wanted me to be going in during that time. And so I prayed. I prayed for courage, for strength. I prayed for a releasing of my fear and anxiety. Unable to sleep the first night, I literally found myself at the foot of the cross, pouring my heart out... praying for the courage to leave it all at His feet. I realized that I NEEDED to let go. I needed to let go of my fear. I needed to let go of control. I needed to trust in something outside of myself. And, even if that is the desire of my heart, it is still a difficult thing to actually DO.
That desire was put to the ultimate test for me. The very next morning, I decided on a whim to forgo shopping in Sonora and joined a couple of my girlfriends who got persuaded into doing the high ropes course. Now the thing you need to understand is that I am TERRIFIED of heights. An old boyfriend once took me rock-climbing without knowing this and I had a panic attack (much to his surprise) halfway up the wall and made a fool of myself with a full-on meltdown. I get nervous just watching another person on a ladder. Yet something inside of me told me that it was time to put some action behind those prayers. I first did the "Leap of Faith"... a climb up a tree to a small platform 50 feet from the ground... and then you jump. You jump out to a trapeze bar, hoping that you'll grab it because for some reason you just can't get your brain to really believe that you are held by a safety harness and will not plummet to your death. After that, I did the ropes course - climbing to 40 feet and walking along tight-ropes from tree to tree, clipping my harness onto wires above me as I moved along, and ending with a zip-line back down to Earth. The whole time my legs were trembling and I felt like I couldn't breathe. My body ached from climbing up the trees and clinging to the ropes and wires as I navigated the course. At one point I wanted so badly to stop. I was tired and I was scared and I just didn't want to do any more... and I heard myself say, "You have to finish. You have no choice." And that was the truth. There was no stopping. There was no way down but to go forward through to the end of the course. And in that moment I realized something... what ever made me think that giving up in the face of fear was ever an option? How many times have I let fear keep me from moving forward in my life? How many times have I sacrificed the life I want and the person I want to be because I was scared and didn't want to deal with feeling uncomfortable? The reality is... I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE! There is one path for me. There is one life that God has intended for me and I have no other choice but to keep moving forward in the face of all of my fears. How different would my life be if I thought about it in this way? On that ropes course, I did something amazing. I was terrified, and yet I kept moving forward. I completed something even though I was sick with fear and felt uncomfortable both physically and emotionally. And the only way I was able to get through that was (1) I told myself there was no other choice and (2) I prayed for God to take away my fear... I confessed my trust in Him and stopped depending on myself with all of my limitations and instead I believed that I could do something extraordinary because of God
We seek freedom, but how much are we willing to give up in order to get that? We are bound to all of these things like shackles on our legs and somehow that imprisonment is a source of some sort of twisted comfort. Even when we are free from our chains, sometimes we sit with them still in our hands, unable to claim our freedom that is there for the taking. I have worked very hard for over 10 years to break free from the chains that have bound me. And, it is surprisingly hard to walk away from that which has held me captive, even once those shackles are broken. It is one thing to have these incredible experiences and moments of enlightenment... but the tough part is in the reality of life... putting it into practice day after day... moment after moment. We all have things that bind us - things that enslave us. Some are easier to give up than others. Slowly I have been giving up all of the things that have kept me from a relationship with God and from claiming the freedom that is my birthright as a daughter of the king. And on a daily basis I am struggling with that one thing that has held power over me for so many years. After all these years of hard work, the shackles are broken... I am no longer chained to it... and yet it takes incredible strength to walk away. There are times when I throw down those chains in disgust and strut off. There are times when I turn back as the fear creeps in. Freedom is HARD. Freedom takes courage. Freedom takes trust in God. Freedom takes sacrifice. This is my greatest struggle right now, but a battle I am confident will be won. I trust in God - my Father and my protector. I know that all that He has planned for me is good... if only I would reach out and take it. So I pray daily to be fortified by God - to be made strong and courageous... so that I can humble myself and lay down those chains once and for all... so that I can give it all up - my fear, my need for control, my self-destructive security blankets, and every wall that I have built up around my heart - give it all up to the one who desires to take on our every burden and release us into FREEDOM.
01 October 2010
Retreat
So any minute now I'm leaving for a women's retreat. It's kinda funny how I've been reflecting so much lately on how desperately I need to be taking more time to just focus on God... how I need to slow life down a little. This weekend is the perfect opportunity... in fact, that's pretty much the whole purpose of a spiritual retreat... and I am literally panicking at the thought of leaving my laptop home and all of the studying that will be waiting for me when I return. The one thing I need most is time without the distractions of my to-do list so I can focus solely on just being... and my stomach is in knots at the thought of being out in the woods with no way to "accomplish" anything. And this is why this needs to be my focus and my goal for this time in my life. As much as I crave quiet and simplicity, it is sooo difficult for me to get out of my own way.
Deep breath... here I go....
Deep breath... here I go....
23 September 2010
Behind the Veil
I can't tell you how important it is that I impress upon you this truth... people are rarely who they appear to be. Now I'm not trying to make you paranoid or imply that the people that you trust are really serial killers and psychopaths, but I think it is important to learn and remember that the person that you think has it all together - that person that appears to have the perfect life - may not be as put together as you think.
We all do it... put someone up on a pedestal, either with the effect of fueling jealousy or just to have someone to serve as a positive example or mentor. But, you have to remember that we all have our junk. That person that you think is doing everything right, just might feel as lost as you do.
Why is it so important to keep up appearances? Why do we hide behind these thin veils of composure - flaunting our resumes of achievements, but rarely are we brave enough to expose our struggles or our failings? Okay, maybe not everyone does this. Maybe it is possible that there really are people out there that are just totally genuine and have no problem being transparent. I applaud those people. But, in my experience... often we see the best in people, put on the rose-colored glasses, and never see the real experience of being them.
I will admit that, personally, I do this. I'm not sure it's even on purpose anymore. So for the sake of full disclosure and as an exercise to confront my fear of honesty (and the potential for embarrassment), let me clarify a few things.
I have heard people say that I seem to have my life figured out - that I know exactly what I want to do. I have had friends who mentioned being impressed with how much I am able to do in a day. I know that it is quite an accomplishment to be in the graduate program that I am in. In groups of people I am usually the one with a big smile on my face, chatting excitedly with anyone that I can. It's not that these things aren't true... it's just that what you see is never the whole story.
The reality is that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I think that I was always able to articulate a life-plan that sounded exciting and ambitious... maybe it was what I wanted at some point. Even though my future plans changed, I always seemed to have a clearly articulated plan that I could rattle off. The reality is I'm not sure if I want to do any of the things that I've talked about. The only thing I know for sure is that I liked my old job in Long Beach, I'm happiest when I'm in Africa, and I think diseases are cool.
In truth, while I have moments of incredible energy and can pound out a seemingly in-human to-do list when I am motivated to... I have a greater than acceptable number of days where I want to do nothing. Days where I will get NOTHING accomplished just because I'm in a funky mood and feeling stubborn and lazy. I don't always follow-through with my obligations.
I am honored to have the opportunity for advanced study in a prestigious degree program. And yet, I'm not sure I even like school. I'm not sure I even want to be a student anymore and while I should be soaking up all I can here, I am really just trying to get through until I have another piece of paper saying I've accomplished something and all of this student loan debt was worth it.
And, finally... while I think that my general personality is a friendly one, I have plenty of moments where I just feel like crap. I have times where I don't feel like smiling, where I avoid having to talk to people because I can't get that "happy" sound in my voice, and I don't even want to interact with the world. I have had days where I have not even left the house at all, just because I can't stand to have people see me when I am unhappy.
This isn't supposed to be some downer entry. Overall, my life is pretty darn good and I am blessed to have it. But, I just wanted to illustrate how we only ever get a thinly-veiled version of Truth with most people. So I think we need to encourage each other to be more transparent. Maybe if we weren't so scared of being judged for our faults, it would be easier to wear them openly on our sleeve.
We all do it... put someone up on a pedestal, either with the effect of fueling jealousy or just to have someone to serve as a positive example or mentor. But, you have to remember that we all have our junk. That person that you think is doing everything right, just might feel as lost as you do.
Why is it so important to keep up appearances? Why do we hide behind these thin veils of composure - flaunting our resumes of achievements, but rarely are we brave enough to expose our struggles or our failings? Okay, maybe not everyone does this. Maybe it is possible that there really are people out there that are just totally genuine and have no problem being transparent. I applaud those people. But, in my experience... often we see the best in people, put on the rose-colored glasses, and never see the real experience of being them.
I will admit that, personally, I do this. I'm not sure it's even on purpose anymore. So for the sake of full disclosure and as an exercise to confront my fear of honesty (and the potential for embarrassment), let me clarify a few things.
I have heard people say that I seem to have my life figured out - that I know exactly what I want to do. I have had friends who mentioned being impressed with how much I am able to do in a day. I know that it is quite an accomplishment to be in the graduate program that I am in. In groups of people I am usually the one with a big smile on my face, chatting excitedly with anyone that I can. It's not that these things aren't true... it's just that what you see is never the whole story.
The reality is that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I think that I was always able to articulate a life-plan that sounded exciting and ambitious... maybe it was what I wanted at some point. Even though my future plans changed, I always seemed to have a clearly articulated plan that I could rattle off. The reality is I'm not sure if I want to do any of the things that I've talked about. The only thing I know for sure is that I liked my old job in Long Beach, I'm happiest when I'm in Africa, and I think diseases are cool.
In truth, while I have moments of incredible energy and can pound out a seemingly in-human to-do list when I am motivated to... I have a greater than acceptable number of days where I want to do nothing. Days where I will get NOTHING accomplished just because I'm in a funky mood and feeling stubborn and lazy. I don't always follow-through with my obligations.
I am honored to have the opportunity for advanced study in a prestigious degree program. And yet, I'm not sure I even like school. I'm not sure I even want to be a student anymore and while I should be soaking up all I can here, I am really just trying to get through until I have another piece of paper saying I've accomplished something and all of this student loan debt was worth it.
And, finally... while I think that my general personality is a friendly one, I have plenty of moments where I just feel like crap. I have times where I don't feel like smiling, where I avoid having to talk to people because I can't get that "happy" sound in my voice, and I don't even want to interact with the world. I have had days where I have not even left the house at all, just because I can't stand to have people see me when I am unhappy.
This isn't supposed to be some downer entry. Overall, my life is pretty darn good and I am blessed to have it. But, I just wanted to illustrate how we only ever get a thinly-veiled version of Truth with most people. So I think we need to encourage each other to be more transparent. Maybe if we weren't so scared of being judged for our faults, it would be easier to wear them openly on our sleeve.
20 September 2010
The Heart of Worship
Wow! Worship service yesterday was pretty amazing. Not that the band was amazing, per se... it's not about that, thank God, so that lessens the pressure to put on a perfect performance that I felt in my "musician" years playing flute. It's all about God and something happens when we just ask that He come and fill a room with a moving and joyous song... that He use our bodies, our instruments, our voices and we let God flow through and out of us. The energy was incredible. I'm seeing the power that worship has to move people... to transform them... to inspire them. What is it about music that can tap into someplace deep inside of us and stir up things we never even knew were there?
Something really amazing is happening to me. I never really thought that I had a spectacular voice... I always called myself a "musician that can sing"... not a "vocalist", so when I hear people say that I've been "anointed" or have some "gift" for singing (man there's a lot of quotes in this paragraph... hehe), I KNOW that that's really all just God working within people... allowing us to share in some human experience and connection. To lead my friends in worship is not a gift that I am giving them... it is a gift that God is giving me. Yes, I'm sure that some people really do have impactful things happen to them in the midst of a worship service and I'm proud of be a part of a team that can help build the framework and guide people through it... but in a way, I really think that God is using this experience to do something within ME... to teach me something... to draw me nearer to Him.
If you read Philippeans 4, you will see that worship - that rejoicing - gives us a heart of peace. Through worship, we are able to put ourselves in a mindset (and a heartset... I think I just made up that word) where we can give our worries over to God and become a person with grace and light inside of them. This new experience is teaching me so much about the heart of worship. I'm beginning to understand that worship is more than just singing a song. Worship is more than a performance on Sunday morning. The root of worship is in an intimate relationship with God - one that is raw, and honest. Worship is unrelenting. It is this force that is driving... constantly pushing and driving forward... as if we are chasing after God. And it's not just singing praises. It's not always being in a happy place where you say "wow, my life is so amazing" and "isn't God so good" just because I'm at a place in my life where I feel like I have the things I want. No... I mean seriously... how often is it that we are totally content,,, that everything is just hunky dory... and we have all the stupid crap we want and think we need to be satisfied with our lives? Those moments are rare and fleeting. But worship is coming to God even in all the other moments. Worship is being scared and coming to God saying, "I'm terrified... I don't know what to do or how this will all turn out. I'm not happy with this situation, but You are good and I'm going to try to trust you in this... even if I need a little help in doing that." Worship is showing God your true heart... being completely honest with both God and yourself. Worship is relating to God in everything we do. I think that we always have a relationship with God. As human beings, every moment, every action in our lives is demonstrating or affecting that relationship in some way. I think this holds true even for "non-believers". The thing is... not everyone acknowledges or feels that relationship all the time (or any of the time in the case of some people). Worship is actively participating in that relationship. It is being aware of it. It is the acknowledgement that everything we do, everything that happens, involves God.... involves our relationship with God. So forgive me when I use the term "worship" to mean only praising God and rejoicing in Him. It is so much more than that.
Despite all that I just said about worship... I think that when you begin to make your life an act of worship, you DO find more joy. I said that worship is about relationship. Well... when we have a relationship with someone, it's harder to come down on them or act out in anger towards them. Relationship leads to understanding, love, empathy. Through worship, we discover the heart of God, and since the heart of God is good it is natural that living a life of worship would lead to living a life that contains more moments of rejoicing. And, like I said before... rejoicing leads to peace. So even when you're starting off in a place (or coming back to that place) where you are hurt or angry - that place where you are lamenting... or even raging at God - in the end it can lead to Joy and Peace. The more I have an honest relationship with God... the more I include God in the conversation... the more I can't help but state with confidence "God is good... and I can trust in that... I can stand on that as my foundation".
(Keep in mind that I used the word "more" NOT "always". Don't think that I still don't have moments where I am stressed out, mean, grumpy... or whatever. Just today I found myself lashing out in anger (showing the uglier side of me) at someone who hurt my feelings. Hey, I'm a work in progress... not to mention completely human.)
So the moral of the story, kids... exploring what it is to worship and trying to have more of it in my life, has lead me to know and understand more fully the heart of God. I'll give you a hint if you're still searching... it is GOOD.
Something really amazing is happening to me. I never really thought that I had a spectacular voice... I always called myself a "musician that can sing"... not a "vocalist", so when I hear people say that I've been "anointed" or have some "gift" for singing (man there's a lot of quotes in this paragraph... hehe), I KNOW that that's really all just God working within people... allowing us to share in some human experience and connection. To lead my friends in worship is not a gift that I am giving them... it is a gift that God is giving me. Yes, I'm sure that some people really do have impactful things happen to them in the midst of a worship service and I'm proud of be a part of a team that can help build the framework and guide people through it... but in a way, I really think that God is using this experience to do something within ME... to teach me something... to draw me nearer to Him.
If you read Philippeans 4, you will see that worship - that rejoicing - gives us a heart of peace. Through worship, we are able to put ourselves in a mindset (and a heartset... I think I just made up that word) where we can give our worries over to God and become a person with grace and light inside of them. This new experience is teaching me so much about the heart of worship. I'm beginning to understand that worship is more than just singing a song. Worship is more than a performance on Sunday morning. The root of worship is in an intimate relationship with God - one that is raw, and honest. Worship is unrelenting. It is this force that is driving... constantly pushing and driving forward... as if we are chasing after God. And it's not just singing praises. It's not always being in a happy place where you say "wow, my life is so amazing" and "isn't God so good" just because I'm at a place in my life where I feel like I have the things I want. No... I mean seriously... how often is it that we are totally content,,, that everything is just hunky dory... and we have all the stupid crap we want and think we need to be satisfied with our lives? Those moments are rare and fleeting. But worship is coming to God even in all the other moments. Worship is being scared and coming to God saying, "I'm terrified... I don't know what to do or how this will all turn out. I'm not happy with this situation, but You are good and I'm going to try to trust you in this... even if I need a little help in doing that." Worship is showing God your true heart... being completely honest with both God and yourself. Worship is relating to God in everything we do. I think that we always have a relationship with God. As human beings, every moment, every action in our lives is demonstrating or affecting that relationship in some way. I think this holds true even for "non-believers". The thing is... not everyone acknowledges or feels that relationship all the time (or any of the time in the case of some people). Worship is actively participating in that relationship. It is being aware of it. It is the acknowledgement that everything we do, everything that happens, involves God.... involves our relationship with God. So forgive me when I use the term "worship" to mean only praising God and rejoicing in Him. It is so much more than that.
Despite all that I just said about worship... I think that when you begin to make your life an act of worship, you DO find more joy. I said that worship is about relationship. Well... when we have a relationship with someone, it's harder to come down on them or act out in anger towards them. Relationship leads to understanding, love, empathy. Through worship, we discover the heart of God, and since the heart of God is good it is natural that living a life of worship would lead to living a life that contains more moments of rejoicing. And, like I said before... rejoicing leads to peace. So even when you're starting off in a place (or coming back to that place) where you are hurt or angry - that place where you are lamenting... or even raging at God - in the end it can lead to Joy and Peace. The more I have an honest relationship with God... the more I include God in the conversation... the more I can't help but state with confidence "God is good... and I can trust in that... I can stand on that as my foundation".
(Keep in mind that I used the word "more" NOT "always". Don't think that I still don't have moments where I am stressed out, mean, grumpy... or whatever. Just today I found myself lashing out in anger (showing the uglier side of me) at someone who hurt my feelings. Hey, I'm a work in progress... not to mention completely human.)
So the moral of the story, kids... exploring what it is to worship and trying to have more of it in my life, has lead me to know and understand more fully the heart of God. I'll give you a hint if you're still searching... it is GOOD.
19 September 2010
Nothing More and Nothing Less
Ha!! So I just realized something REALLY funny. It's nearly 2am, I have to be up in 3 1/2 hours and I am stressing about my mile-long to-do list. I figured I'd feel better if I just stayed up and got a few things done, since I can't sleep when I'm like this anyway. But, the funny thing is, one of the items on my to-do list was to post this devotional. Let the irony unfold...
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Nothing More and Nothing Less by Rachel Olsen
A daily devotional (16 September 2010)
Lord, how can I become content with just who I am, nothing more and nothing less?
I'm certainly prone to want to be more, or less, than I am. To be smarter, prettier, funnier, fitter. To be more productive, perky and high energy. And then also to be lower key, calmer, more level-headed and focused.
I want to have better self-awareness, and yet I want to be less concerned about what others think of me.
I want to be a better cook, to sing beautifully and to keep the house neat without so much perceived effort. And did I mention fuller, thicker hair would be nice too? I want to be a better writer – one that's both highly creative and meticulously organized. And I want fewer propensities to run late, slack off or procrastinate.
Yes, I want to be both more and less of me.
Jesus shushes my endless listing of the things I want to change about myself – to improve about myself so I can have what I'm sure would be a better life. He asks me instead to humbly make peace with it all. To lay down my notions of a better woman and a better life by letting Him be the judge of that. To simply take what I'm given and offer it back to Him, in service and surrender. Willingly assuming that I am enough – I have what it takes to live a great life. One that pleases God, others and self.
Today's key verse is among several in the Bible that fuels a core conviction I hold: When I stop striving to create a life for myself, I find the life God creates for me. This, my friend, is a powerful truth, a divine secret. His life for me begins precisely where mine ends. My life ends in my sin and striving and begins again in God's grace and power. His empowering indwelling affords me everything I truly need and nothing I truly don't.
Do you too long to be content with just who you are in Christ – nothing more and nothing less? Jesus addresses us both in Matthew 23:11-12, ""Do you want to stand out? Then step down. Be a servant. If you puff yourself up, you'll get the wind knocked out of you. But if you're content to simply be yourself, your life will count for plenty." (MSG)
Amazingly, God's grace humbles a woman without degrading her, and His favor lifts her up without inflating her. The life she finds in Him makes her the proud owner of everything money can't buy – a life of contentment.
Dear Lord, help me to quiet my critical, striving spirit today and gratefully accept who I am and where I'm at in this moment. For You are here, ready to invisibly empower my life to count for plenty right where I am. Help me also to seek and hold your definition of "plenty" – nothing more and nothing less. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
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Nothing More and Nothing Less by Rachel Olsen
A daily devotional (16 September 2010)
"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought." Matthew 5:5 (MSG)
Lord, how can I become content with just who I am, nothing more and nothing less?
I'm certainly prone to want to be more, or less, than I am. To be smarter, prettier, funnier, fitter. To be more productive, perky and high energy. And then also to be lower key, calmer, more level-headed and focused.
I want to have better self-awareness, and yet I want to be less concerned about what others think of me.
I want to be a better cook, to sing beautifully and to keep the house neat without so much perceived effort. And did I mention fuller, thicker hair would be nice too? I want to be a better writer – one that's both highly creative and meticulously organized. And I want fewer propensities to run late, slack off or procrastinate.
Yes, I want to be both more and less of me.
Jesus shushes my endless listing of the things I want to change about myself – to improve about myself so I can have what I'm sure would be a better life. He asks me instead to humbly make peace with it all. To lay down my notions of a better woman and a better life by letting Him be the judge of that. To simply take what I'm given and offer it back to Him, in service and surrender. Willingly assuming that I am enough – I have what it takes to live a great life. One that pleases God, others and self.
Today's key verse is among several in the Bible that fuels a core conviction I hold: When I stop striving to create a life for myself, I find the life God creates for me. This, my friend, is a powerful truth, a divine secret. His life for me begins precisely where mine ends. My life ends in my sin and striving and begins again in God's grace and power. His empowering indwelling affords me everything I truly need and nothing I truly don't.
Do you too long to be content with just who you are in Christ – nothing more and nothing less? Jesus addresses us both in Matthew 23:11-12, ""Do you want to stand out? Then step down. Be a servant. If you puff yourself up, you'll get the wind knocked out of you. But if you're content to simply be yourself, your life will count for plenty." (MSG)
Amazingly, God's grace humbles a woman without degrading her, and His favor lifts her up without inflating her. The life she finds in Him makes her the proud owner of everything money can't buy – a life of contentment.
Prayer
Dear Lord, help me to quiet my critical, striving spirit today and gratefully accept who I am and where I'm at in this moment. For You are here, ready to invisibly empower my life to count for plenty right where I am. Help me also to seek and hold your definition of "plenty" – nothing more and nothing less. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Application Steps:
It is possible to improve and grow - with dreams, plans and goals – and still be content today. Journal some notes to yourself about doing that – and schedule a time to return to read those notes in the future. Perhaps read it each Monday morning, or just whenever you feel yourself slipping into stressful striving.
Reflections:
Am I content today with who I am and where I'm at in life in this moment?
What can I do to find that contentment when it is missing?
Power Verses:
1 Peter 5:6-7, "So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you." (MSG)
Zephaniah 3:12-13, "This core holy people will not do wrong. They won't lie, won't use words to flatter or seduce. Content with who they are and where they are, unanxious, they'll live at peace." (MSG)
© 2010 by Rachel Olsen. All rights reserved.
It is possible to improve and grow - with dreams, plans and goals – and still be content today. Journal some notes to yourself about doing that – and schedule a time to return to read those notes in the future. Perhaps read it each Monday morning, or just whenever you feel yourself slipping into stressful striving.
Reflections:
Am I content today with who I am and where I'm at in life in this moment?
What can I do to find that contentment when it is missing?
Power Verses:
1 Peter 5:6-7, "So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you." (MSG)
Zephaniah 3:12-13, "This core holy people will not do wrong. They won't lie, won't use words to flatter or seduce. Content with who they are and where they are, unanxious, they'll live at peace." (MSG)
© 2010 by Rachel Olsen. All rights reserved.
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So I'm guessing you understand now why I was laughing to myself that THIS was on the "To-Do" list that was causing me so much stress. I guess this is a tricky concept to completely "get". I find myself having to re-visit this topic through scripture, discussion, self-help books and articles... the same thing day after day after day. Every moment, it seems, I am re-affirming my desire to surrender all of these worries to God... my desire to stop the craziness of the rat race and just BE. And just a day, or hour, or minute later I'm back in it. It's not easy to separate from this world - this society - where the focus is always so heavy on what you "do". I know that I feel constant pressure to do more - to fit more things into each day - feeling immense satisfaction and relief when I am able to put a check mark after each item that is completed. The thing is, that relief is fleeting if it ever even comes. Most of my life is spent with stomach in knots and heart pounding as I strive frantically to reach this elusive "relief" I'm supposed to feel once I have it all together. The truth is... no one has it all together. There is always more that could be done, and what has been done probably could have been done better in some way. There is always some deadline coming up and people that we are either responsible to or responsible for. Funny how the shame of not meeting someone else's expectations of us or not living up to the image that we are trying to put out for the world to see is a more powerful motivator (and stressor) than the actual reality of the level of responsibility that we have and the relative importance of the task at hand. The Truth is that until I accept who I am - with all of my faults, shortcomings, and limitations - I will never be able to live up to my own expectations. Additionally, I need to consider the real importance of each item on that dreaded list. Am I panicked about it because there will actually be dire consequences if it doesn't get done TODAY, or am I more concerned about saving face and convincing myself and everyone around me that I am indeed superwoman? I guarantee that 90% of the time it's the latter situation.
So here it is folks... my anti-pep talk that can actually bring me up. "Kimberly, I love you... but you are not THAT important... nothing you think you have to do, nothing that is causing you so much anxiety is important enough that the world will end if it doesn't get done in its own time (if at all). No one really cares that you're superwoman (in fact, if you really were able to be that accomplished, no one would like you because they would think you are a snob with no time for a life or your friends). All these things that you think you have to do... all these things you think you have to be... none of it has anything to do with what God wants for you. THEY ARE ALL LIES! Heh... go figure. You know... if you actually understood what God wanted for your life, you'd probably be shocked at how little you would need to do. In fact... God would probably tear that stupid list in half, pronounce your freedom from the tyranny of over-scheduling, and put you on a beach somewhere just to chill together for a while (I bet God would put on a good reggae album). Try it sometime... sometime soon... it would make the big guy pretty happy to have some quality time with you."
And there you have it... what God REALLY wants of us... US!!! He wants more of us... more of our time... more of our hearts... more relationship... more conversation. And this doesn't require doing MORE... but doing LESS. It requires stopping the craziness and finding a moment of solitude in the quiet. It requires choosing to forgo the mental tap dance of all our "to-do"s clickety-clacking through our heads, and instead rejoice! Dance like a maniac, sing, roll down a grassy hill, have a good cry, or just sit in the rare quiet. Open up your heart to God... surrender the things that burden it... and just BE. You will more thank likely end up BEING exactly the YOU that God intended... no more, no less
So once again (and forgive me if we end up going through this same little heart-to-heart again tomorrow), I surrender it all to You, God. I give you all my worries. I give you all my fear. Lord, I know you are good. You have good things planned for me and for my life and I don't have to be scared to let go of my plan and let you carry out yours. Thank you for loving me that much. Thank you for reminding me every day of how much I need you. Let me reflect this joy and your love in my life. Help me to get through my day without being dragged down my fatigue... give me the strength to sing out praises to you tomorrow and to be a light to all the people that cross my path.
13 September 2010
Safari njema langu
Despite the title in Swahili, this is NOT another blog about my travels in Africa. But, this blog IS about an incredible journey - one that I wanted to be able to share honestly, openly... authentically. So why did I choose this strange blog name? Safari njema langu. In Swahili, this means "my good journey". It's not just my love of Africa and speaking Swahili that inspired this title, but somehow saying these words in their original language is so much more accurately descriptive than the English translation. As I'm sure most Americans do, I always defined the word safari as a trip through the African wild... the adventure of traveling rugged terrain in a 4x4, staring in awe at the expansive landscape and excitedly pointing out the exotic animals I might find through the lens of a set of binoculars. But the reality is, in Swahili, safari just means journey. It's a trip to Gramma's house for a visit, a long commute to work... boring (no offense Gramma), ordinary experiences of daily life with no guarantees of seeing a giraffe or zebra. During my travels through Africa I often had the phrase "Safari njema!" shouted at me by friends and acquaintances as I moved from one place to the next. It's basically the equivalent of "Bon voyage!", wishing me safe and happy travels.
Now, what does this have to do with my life right now - stationary back in California after returning from my trip to Zambia to finish my last year in graduate school? This phrase actually popped into my head as my pastor's wife spoke at a recent gathering of women from our church. She spoke of life as a journey and for some reason (because I had just returned from an incredible journey?) this oft-used analogy spoke to me... LOUDLY. It isn't easy to stay in one familiar place once you've tasted the excitement of world travel. Ever since my first trip to Tanzania, I became addicted to the intoxication I feel at even the thought of traveling to some new place. I had a hard time adjusting upon my return from Tanzania and even after returning to a sense of normalcy after a few months, I constantly longed for the excitement of travel. But, my return from Zambia has been different. Yes, I love travel and always will... but, I've begun to see how - even though I have returned "home" - I am embarking on a whole new journey. Maybe it's just the continuation of a life-long journey, amplified with a spark of feeling as though I'm starting a new chapter. The truth is, this ordinary life in American suburbia is just as thrilling... full of just as much uncertainty and anticipation. I have been on a journey for some time (my entire life, I suppose)... making my way towards the heart of God, diving into the depths of my inner world, and exploring the uncertain path of a destiny that has yet to be revealed to me.
The other part of why this title has so much meaning to me is that, like any of the journeys that excite me, this one is full of risk and danger. Life is crazy. Plain and simple. It's a mess of moments - full of both joy and sorrow - and you can never quite be sure which moment is coming next. This weekend alone has illustrated this fact perfectly. It felt like a month's worth of moments packed into just a few days and my head was spinning from all the drastically different emotions I was feeling. It was filled with tragedy and sorrow, joy and love, the comfort of companionship and the agony of isolation, falling flat on my face, and also being lifted up by a God that loves me (despite all my screw-ups). And at the end of the weekend, I felt joy. And I guess that's the point I'm trying to make. Yes, life is a mess. Terrible things happen and I feel completely broken sometimes. I scream and cry and my heart gets broken by the world on a daily basis it seems at times. But in the end, it is good. Life is good. God is good. This journey... is good.
So I invite you (whatever crazy person actually decided that they wanted to read the ramblings of another person who has no idea what they're talking about) to come with me on this journey. I will try to be as open and honest as I can... which is NOT an easy thing for me to get over my pride and do. I hope that in showing my vulnerability, someone might be able to relate. That's the beauty of humanity... the shared experiences of being human (even when we don't want to fess up to it). So comment... let this be a discussion, not a lecture. Call me on my b.s. and help me discover Truth through the Socratic Method. And I guess this is also a reminder to myself that I am on a journey that is exciting enough to be worthy of documentation... even if it doesn't take me outside my national borders for a while.
Now, what does this have to do with my life right now - stationary back in California after returning from my trip to Zambia to finish my last year in graduate school? This phrase actually popped into my head as my pastor's wife spoke at a recent gathering of women from our church. She spoke of life as a journey and for some reason (because I had just returned from an incredible journey?) this oft-used analogy spoke to me... LOUDLY. It isn't easy to stay in one familiar place once you've tasted the excitement of world travel. Ever since my first trip to Tanzania, I became addicted to the intoxication I feel at even the thought of traveling to some new place. I had a hard time adjusting upon my return from Tanzania and even after returning to a sense of normalcy after a few months, I constantly longed for the excitement of travel. But, my return from Zambia has been different. Yes, I love travel and always will... but, I've begun to see how - even though I have returned "home" - I am embarking on a whole new journey. Maybe it's just the continuation of a life-long journey, amplified with a spark of feeling as though I'm starting a new chapter. The truth is, this ordinary life in American suburbia is just as thrilling... full of just as much uncertainty and anticipation. I have been on a journey for some time (my entire life, I suppose)... making my way towards the heart of God, diving into the depths of my inner world, and exploring the uncertain path of a destiny that has yet to be revealed to me.
The other part of why this title has so much meaning to me is that, like any of the journeys that excite me, this one is full of risk and danger. Life is crazy. Plain and simple. It's a mess of moments - full of both joy and sorrow - and you can never quite be sure which moment is coming next. This weekend alone has illustrated this fact perfectly. It felt like a month's worth of moments packed into just a few days and my head was spinning from all the drastically different emotions I was feeling. It was filled with tragedy and sorrow, joy and love, the comfort of companionship and the agony of isolation, falling flat on my face, and also being lifted up by a God that loves me (despite all my screw-ups). And at the end of the weekend, I felt joy. And I guess that's the point I'm trying to make. Yes, life is a mess. Terrible things happen and I feel completely broken sometimes. I scream and cry and my heart gets broken by the world on a daily basis it seems at times. But in the end, it is good. Life is good. God is good. This journey... is good.
So I invite you (whatever crazy person actually decided that they wanted to read the ramblings of another person who has no idea what they're talking about) to come with me on this journey. I will try to be as open and honest as I can... which is NOT an easy thing for me to get over my pride and do. I hope that in showing my vulnerability, someone might be able to relate. That's the beauty of humanity... the shared experiences of being human (even when we don't want to fess up to it). So comment... let this be a discussion, not a lecture. Call me on my b.s. and help me discover Truth through the Socratic Method. And I guess this is also a reminder to myself that I am on a journey that is exciting enough to be worthy of documentation... even if it doesn't take me outside my national borders for a while.
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