City of Sin

As I was driving out of Las Vegas, I had a thought... this is what happens when people out in the desert lose hope.  The desert is a harsh environment... with severe extremes in weather and conditions.  Out in the desert people become hot and thirtsy and become discouraged... and so they try to distract themselves from their discomfort.  As I looked at the contrast between the big hotels and casinos and then the beautiful red rock of the desert backdrop, I began to think of the Israelites.  Out in the desert all those years, it was hard for them to remember that it was a good thing they were there.... that they had been freed from slavery and were venturing out to receive all that God had promised them.  But, they had to walk through the desert first.... and that's where things got hard.  They got tired, and hot, and thirsty.... and instead of looking around and appreciating the poetic beauty of the desert and its significance in their journey, they could only think about their discomfort and uncertainty.  They took their eyes off of God and of the purpose He had for their lives.... and they built idols. 

As I looked at the casinos and strip clubs in Vegas... the "glitz and glamour" of The Strip.... I started to see all of it as the golden calf.  I'm sure for a lot of people, and even for me at some point in my life, it seems to sparkle.  It bekons seductively, offering relief from the heat of the desert with the air-conditioned casinos and illusion of permission to do whatever makes you feel good in the moment.  After all, "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas".  But, it all looks a little sad and dingy to me now.  I look out at the desert in the background and it seems almost vibrant even in its desolation.  The red rocks tower over a landscape where life has adapted to survive in the harsh conditions - a demonstration of the persistance and foritude inherent with LIFE - and the blue sky hovers over all of it, stretching out to inifinity.

For me, I'd rather be in the desert.  It may be a little uncomfortable... and downright scary not to know where the promised land is or when you'll get there.  But I know that there is a reason that God called me out here.... I know that He does not forsake me or leave my side, even when I struggle to hear HIs voice.  And, so I don't need to create any distractions from that... I don't want any distractions from that.  My prayer is that I will not waver and I will not get pulled off course as I go through the "desert" times in my life.

And for any of my borthers and sisters who also feel like they are walking throug hthe wildnerness, I pray that you will not be distracted by the idols that people have built, and that you will not be tempted to build your own.  All those casinos and brothels and strip clubs that I've passed on my drive.... they just keep people trapped out here.  And why would you want to stay in the desert forever, when God has better plans for you???

Freedom

After many more hours than I expected of moving, packing, unpacking, and organizing I hit the road late last night.  As excited as I was for this adventure, the reality of where I'm at hit me hard in the midst of packing fatigue.   I felt completely overwhelmed trying to decide what clothes to try to fit in my backpack with no clear idea of what I might be doing over the next few weeks and no idea how long I'll be on the road before settling into a new "home".   I don't know for sure if and when I'll have a job (and income).   I am entirely in the hands of God, and while I should be comforted by that (after all, isn't that the most awesome place to be?), the control-freak in me started to panic in this state of complete disorientation. For a girl who always had a plan (complete with lists, spreadsheets, and diagrams) it's a pretty crazy thing to go out into the world with no plan at all... no illusion of certainty.   When I first started my journey to God, I knew that the biggest thing I needed to give up in order to be closeto God was control. Over the past couple years I have been challenged and grown in that area.  And now I feel like this is the culmination of all of that...the test of just how willing l am to give up control and let God's will be done in my life.

By no accident I started this trip by joining Ashley and Matt at Bridgeway Christian Church in Rocklin.  Soon after we entered, the worship band began a song  I know well... Freedom Reigns by Jesus Culture.  Immediately tears streamed down my face as the memory of my first night at Halogen flooded back to me.  It was Ashley who took me to church for the first time since deciding wanted to KNOW God in a real way.  That night, the Spirit literally rocked my world as I became dizzy... experiencing worship in a way I never knew was possible.  That night was profoundly disorienting... and my life was completely re-oriented over the next three years.   Beginning  this next big journey with Ashley bringing me to church seemed perfectly fitting.  And as I stood there holding my best friend's hand and worshipping God, I was overwhelmed by  a feeling of gratitude. I kept thinking about how thankful I am that God brought Ashley into my life.  I thought about where I was before that night at Halogen and how far l have come from that place.  I am so thankful to be free from that old life and I am looking forward to experiencing that freedom even more fully as I cast aside my own plans and expectations.  There is incredible freedom experienced when yougive your life completely over to God and His plans for your life.  As the pastor pointed out, God's plans are ALWAYS better than our own.  And of course God planned for me to hear the perfect sermon to start off this journey... about how, when everything seems to be falling apart and our plans just don't turn out, those are the times that God shows up and works out HIS plans for our lives.  God is a god of disorientation... He does his best work amidst chaos.

"We don't get the details of our itinerary... we just need to keep checking in to ask, Okay God, what now?"

Peering over the edge...

Tonight I found myself perusing the Mission Outfitter website and suddenly burst into tears.   I guess the contrast against the hours I've spent combing over jobsites just got to me.  With the enormous amounts of debt I've  accumulated over the last eight years of higher education  hanging over my head, it seems that the pertinent thing to do at this time is get a good job - the kind with a good salary, a competitive benefits package, and the capability to position me to start my climb up that proverbial career ladder.  And yet, as tears were streaming down my face, all I could think is....  I just want to make sure every child gets vaccinated for measles and polio.   I want to be sure mothers are educated on how to make sure their families get essential nutrition even when food is difficult to afford.  I want get rid of parasites in distended bellies.  I want to do something real, tangible, immediate. I want to look into the eyes of the people my efforts might be helping.  I want to travel to parts of the world  where people feel forgotten and show them that there is someone who loves them, who hears them, and who will not let them be ignored.  I want to go into places where faith is fading andsee hope restored.  After eight years of higher education... I have no idea how I am going to do any of this.  And after a month and a half just hanging out, making coffee...  I'm not any closer to figuring it out.

So now I'm standing at the edge of this cliff... peering down - I can't see anything - and I step off. I have no parachute... no safety harness... and NO idea what might be down there to break my fall.   Technically homeless when my lease is up in 4 days and pretty much flat broke, I've quit my job before knowing if and when I will have a new one,  and in a week I'm heading out into the desert (literally) desperately praying that I'll hear the voice of God and get some direction while I'm out there.  There's a good chance I might be crazy... although some might say I am strong in faith. I've a feeling it's most likely a bit of both.