Freedom

After many more hours than I expected of moving, packing, unpacking, and organizing I hit the road late last night.  As excited as I was for this adventure, the reality of where I'm at hit me hard in the midst of packing fatigue.   I felt completely overwhelmed trying to decide what clothes to try to fit in my backpack with no clear idea of what I might be doing over the next few weeks and no idea how long I'll be on the road before settling into a new "home".   I don't know for sure if and when I'll have a job (and income).   I am entirely in the hands of God, and while I should be comforted by that (after all, isn't that the most awesome place to be?), the control-freak in me started to panic in this state of complete disorientation. For a girl who always had a plan (complete with lists, spreadsheets, and diagrams) it's a pretty crazy thing to go out into the world with no plan at all... no illusion of certainty.   When I first started my journey to God, I knew that the biggest thing I needed to give up in order to be closeto God was control. Over the past couple years I have been challenged and grown in that area.  And now I feel like this is the culmination of all of that...the test of just how willing l am to give up control and let God's will be done in my life.

By no accident I started this trip by joining Ashley and Matt at Bridgeway Christian Church in Rocklin.  Soon after we entered, the worship band began a song  I know well... Freedom Reigns by Jesus Culture.  Immediately tears streamed down my face as the memory of my first night at Halogen flooded back to me.  It was Ashley who took me to church for the first time since deciding wanted to KNOW God in a real way.  That night, the Spirit literally rocked my world as I became dizzy... experiencing worship in a way I never knew was possible.  That night was profoundly disorienting... and my life was completely re-oriented over the next three years.   Beginning  this next big journey with Ashley bringing me to church seemed perfectly fitting.  And as I stood there holding my best friend's hand and worshipping God, I was overwhelmed by  a feeling of gratitude. I kept thinking about how thankful I am that God brought Ashley into my life.  I thought about where I was before that night at Halogen and how far l have come from that place.  I am so thankful to be free from that old life and I am looking forward to experiencing that freedom even more fully as I cast aside my own plans and expectations.  There is incredible freedom experienced when yougive your life completely over to God and His plans for your life.  As the pastor pointed out, God's plans are ALWAYS better than our own.  And of course God planned for me to hear the perfect sermon to start off this journey... about how, when everything seems to be falling apart and our plans just don't turn out, those are the times that God shows up and works out HIS plans for our lives.  God is a god of disorientation... He does his best work amidst chaos.

"We don't get the details of our itinerary... we just need to keep checking in to ask, Okay God, what now?"