I can't tell you how important it is that I impress upon you this truth... people are rarely who they appear to be. Now I'm not trying to make you paranoid or imply that the people that you trust are really serial killers and psychopaths, but I think it is important to learn and remember that the person that you think has it all together - that person that appears to have the perfect life - may not be as put together as you think.
We all do it... put someone up on a pedestal, either with the effect of fueling jealousy or just to have someone to serve as a positive example or mentor. But, you have to remember that we all have our junk. That person that you think is doing everything right, just might feel as lost as you do.
Why is it so important to keep up appearances? Why do we hide behind these thin veils of composure - flaunting our resumes of achievements, but rarely are we brave enough to expose our struggles or our failings? Okay, maybe not everyone does this. Maybe it is possible that there really are people out there that are just totally genuine and have no problem being transparent. I applaud those people. But, in my experience... often we see the best in people, put on the rose-colored glasses, and never see the real experience of being them.
I will admit that, personally, I do this. I'm not sure it's even on purpose anymore. So for the sake of full disclosure and as an exercise to confront my fear of honesty (and the potential for embarrassment), let me clarify a few things.
I have heard people say that I seem to have my life figured out - that I know exactly what I want to do. I have had friends who mentioned being impressed with how much I am able to do in a day. I know that it is quite an accomplishment to be in the graduate program that I am in. In groups of people I am usually the one with a big smile on my face, chatting excitedly with anyone that I can. It's not that these things aren't true... it's just that what you see is never the whole story.
The reality is that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I think that I was always able to articulate a life-plan that sounded exciting and ambitious... maybe it was what I wanted at some point. Even though my future plans changed, I always seemed to have a clearly articulated plan that I could rattle off. The reality is I'm not sure if I want to do any of the things that I've talked about. The only thing I know for sure is that I liked my old job in Long Beach, I'm happiest when I'm in Africa, and I think diseases are cool.
In truth, while I have moments of incredible energy and can pound out a seemingly in-human to-do list when I am motivated to... I have a greater than acceptable number of days where I want to do nothing. Days where I will get NOTHING accomplished just because I'm in a funky mood and feeling stubborn and lazy. I don't always follow-through with my obligations.
I am honored to have the opportunity for advanced study in a prestigious degree program. And yet, I'm not sure I even like school. I'm not sure I even want to be a student anymore and while I should be soaking up all I can here, I am really just trying to get through until I have another piece of paper saying I've accomplished something and all of this student loan debt was worth it.
And, finally... while I think that my general personality is a friendly one, I have plenty of moments where I just feel like crap. I have times where I don't feel like smiling, where I avoid having to talk to people because I can't get that "happy" sound in my voice, and I don't even want to interact with the world. I have had days where I have not even left the house at all, just because I can't stand to have people see me when I am unhappy.
This isn't supposed to be some downer entry. Overall, my life is pretty darn good and I am blessed to have it. But, I just wanted to illustrate how we only ever get a thinly-veiled version of Truth with most people. So I think we need to encourage each other to be more transparent. Maybe if we weren't so scared of being judged for our faults, it would be easier to wear them openly on our sleeve.
23 September 2010
20 September 2010
The Heart of Worship
Wow! Worship service yesterday was pretty amazing. Not that the band was amazing, per se... it's not about that, thank God, so that lessens the pressure to put on a perfect performance that I felt in my "musician" years playing flute. It's all about God and something happens when we just ask that He come and fill a room with a moving and joyous song... that He use our bodies, our instruments, our voices and we let God flow through and out of us. The energy was incredible. I'm seeing the power that worship has to move people... to transform them... to inspire them. What is it about music that can tap into someplace deep inside of us and stir up things we never even knew were there?
Something really amazing is happening to me. I never really thought that I had a spectacular voice... I always called myself a "musician that can sing"... not a "vocalist", so when I hear people say that I've been "anointed" or have some "gift" for singing (man there's a lot of quotes in this paragraph... hehe), I KNOW that that's really all just God working within people... allowing us to share in some human experience and connection. To lead my friends in worship is not a gift that I am giving them... it is a gift that God is giving me. Yes, I'm sure that some people really do have impactful things happen to them in the midst of a worship service and I'm proud of be a part of a team that can help build the framework and guide people through it... but in a way, I really think that God is using this experience to do something within ME... to teach me something... to draw me nearer to Him.
If you read Philippeans 4, you will see that worship - that rejoicing - gives us a heart of peace. Through worship, we are able to put ourselves in a mindset (and a heartset... I think I just made up that word) where we can give our worries over to God and become a person with grace and light inside of them. This new experience is teaching me so much about the heart of worship. I'm beginning to understand that worship is more than just singing a song. Worship is more than a performance on Sunday morning. The root of worship is in an intimate relationship with God - one that is raw, and honest. Worship is unrelenting. It is this force that is driving... constantly pushing and driving forward... as if we are chasing after God. And it's not just singing praises. It's not always being in a happy place where you say "wow, my life is so amazing" and "isn't God so good" just because I'm at a place in my life where I feel like I have the things I want. No... I mean seriously... how often is it that we are totally content,,, that everything is just hunky dory... and we have all the stupid crap we want and think we need to be satisfied with our lives? Those moments are rare and fleeting. But worship is coming to God even in all the other moments. Worship is being scared and coming to God saying, "I'm terrified... I don't know what to do or how this will all turn out. I'm not happy with this situation, but You are good and I'm going to try to trust you in this... even if I need a little help in doing that." Worship is showing God your true heart... being completely honest with both God and yourself. Worship is relating to God in everything we do. I think that we always have a relationship with God. As human beings, every moment, every action in our lives is demonstrating or affecting that relationship in some way. I think this holds true even for "non-believers". The thing is... not everyone acknowledges or feels that relationship all the time (or any of the time in the case of some people). Worship is actively participating in that relationship. It is being aware of it. It is the acknowledgement that everything we do, everything that happens, involves God.... involves our relationship with God. So forgive me when I use the term "worship" to mean only praising God and rejoicing in Him. It is so much more than that.
Despite all that I just said about worship... I think that when you begin to make your life an act of worship, you DO find more joy. I said that worship is about relationship. Well... when we have a relationship with someone, it's harder to come down on them or act out in anger towards them. Relationship leads to understanding, love, empathy. Through worship, we discover the heart of God, and since the heart of God is good it is natural that living a life of worship would lead to living a life that contains more moments of rejoicing. And, like I said before... rejoicing leads to peace. So even when you're starting off in a place (or coming back to that place) where you are hurt or angry - that place where you are lamenting... or even raging at God - in the end it can lead to Joy and Peace. The more I have an honest relationship with God... the more I include God in the conversation... the more I can't help but state with confidence "God is good... and I can trust in that... I can stand on that as my foundation".
(Keep in mind that I used the word "more" NOT "always". Don't think that I still don't have moments where I am stressed out, mean, grumpy... or whatever. Just today I found myself lashing out in anger (showing the uglier side of me) at someone who hurt my feelings. Hey, I'm a work in progress... not to mention completely human.)
So the moral of the story, kids... exploring what it is to worship and trying to have more of it in my life, has lead me to know and understand more fully the heart of God. I'll give you a hint if you're still searching... it is GOOD.
Something really amazing is happening to me. I never really thought that I had a spectacular voice... I always called myself a "musician that can sing"... not a "vocalist", so when I hear people say that I've been "anointed" or have some "gift" for singing (man there's a lot of quotes in this paragraph... hehe), I KNOW that that's really all just God working within people... allowing us to share in some human experience and connection. To lead my friends in worship is not a gift that I am giving them... it is a gift that God is giving me. Yes, I'm sure that some people really do have impactful things happen to them in the midst of a worship service and I'm proud of be a part of a team that can help build the framework and guide people through it... but in a way, I really think that God is using this experience to do something within ME... to teach me something... to draw me nearer to Him.
If you read Philippeans 4, you will see that worship - that rejoicing - gives us a heart of peace. Through worship, we are able to put ourselves in a mindset (and a heartset... I think I just made up that word) where we can give our worries over to God and become a person with grace and light inside of them. This new experience is teaching me so much about the heart of worship. I'm beginning to understand that worship is more than just singing a song. Worship is more than a performance on Sunday morning. The root of worship is in an intimate relationship with God - one that is raw, and honest. Worship is unrelenting. It is this force that is driving... constantly pushing and driving forward... as if we are chasing after God. And it's not just singing praises. It's not always being in a happy place where you say "wow, my life is so amazing" and "isn't God so good" just because I'm at a place in my life where I feel like I have the things I want. No... I mean seriously... how often is it that we are totally content,,, that everything is just hunky dory... and we have all the stupid crap we want and think we need to be satisfied with our lives? Those moments are rare and fleeting. But worship is coming to God even in all the other moments. Worship is being scared and coming to God saying, "I'm terrified... I don't know what to do or how this will all turn out. I'm not happy with this situation, but You are good and I'm going to try to trust you in this... even if I need a little help in doing that." Worship is showing God your true heart... being completely honest with both God and yourself. Worship is relating to God in everything we do. I think that we always have a relationship with God. As human beings, every moment, every action in our lives is demonstrating or affecting that relationship in some way. I think this holds true even for "non-believers". The thing is... not everyone acknowledges or feels that relationship all the time (or any of the time in the case of some people). Worship is actively participating in that relationship. It is being aware of it. It is the acknowledgement that everything we do, everything that happens, involves God.... involves our relationship with God. So forgive me when I use the term "worship" to mean only praising God and rejoicing in Him. It is so much more than that.
Despite all that I just said about worship... I think that when you begin to make your life an act of worship, you DO find more joy. I said that worship is about relationship. Well... when we have a relationship with someone, it's harder to come down on them or act out in anger towards them. Relationship leads to understanding, love, empathy. Through worship, we discover the heart of God, and since the heart of God is good it is natural that living a life of worship would lead to living a life that contains more moments of rejoicing. And, like I said before... rejoicing leads to peace. So even when you're starting off in a place (or coming back to that place) where you are hurt or angry - that place where you are lamenting... or even raging at God - in the end it can lead to Joy and Peace. The more I have an honest relationship with God... the more I include God in the conversation... the more I can't help but state with confidence "God is good... and I can trust in that... I can stand on that as my foundation".
(Keep in mind that I used the word "more" NOT "always". Don't think that I still don't have moments where I am stressed out, mean, grumpy... or whatever. Just today I found myself lashing out in anger (showing the uglier side of me) at someone who hurt my feelings. Hey, I'm a work in progress... not to mention completely human.)
So the moral of the story, kids... exploring what it is to worship and trying to have more of it in my life, has lead me to know and understand more fully the heart of God. I'll give you a hint if you're still searching... it is GOOD.
19 September 2010
Nothing More and Nothing Less
Ha!! So I just realized something REALLY funny. It's nearly 2am, I have to be up in 3 1/2 hours and I am stressing about my mile-long to-do list. I figured I'd feel better if I just stayed up and got a few things done, since I can't sleep when I'm like this anyway. But, the funny thing is, one of the items on my to-do list was to post this devotional. Let the irony unfold...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nothing More and Nothing Less by Rachel Olsen
A daily devotional (16 September 2010)
Lord, how can I become content with just who I am, nothing more and nothing less?
I'm certainly prone to want to be more, or less, than I am. To be smarter, prettier, funnier, fitter. To be more productive, perky and high energy. And then also to be lower key, calmer, more level-headed and focused.
I want to have better self-awareness, and yet I want to be less concerned about what others think of me.
I want to be a better cook, to sing beautifully and to keep the house neat without so much perceived effort. And did I mention fuller, thicker hair would be nice too? I want to be a better writer – one that's both highly creative and meticulously organized. And I want fewer propensities to run late, slack off or procrastinate.
Yes, I want to be both more and less of me.
Jesus shushes my endless listing of the things I want to change about myself – to improve about myself so I can have what I'm sure would be a better life. He asks me instead to humbly make peace with it all. To lay down my notions of a better woman and a better life by letting Him be the judge of that. To simply take what I'm given and offer it back to Him, in service and surrender. Willingly assuming that I am enough – I have what it takes to live a great life. One that pleases God, others and self.
Today's key verse is among several in the Bible that fuels a core conviction I hold: When I stop striving to create a life for myself, I find the life God creates for me. This, my friend, is a powerful truth, a divine secret. His life for me begins precisely where mine ends. My life ends in my sin and striving and begins again in God's grace and power. His empowering indwelling affords me everything I truly need and nothing I truly don't.
Do you too long to be content with just who you are in Christ – nothing more and nothing less? Jesus addresses us both in Matthew 23:11-12, ""Do you want to stand out? Then step down. Be a servant. If you puff yourself up, you'll get the wind knocked out of you. But if you're content to simply be yourself, your life will count for plenty." (MSG)
Amazingly, God's grace humbles a woman without degrading her, and His favor lifts her up without inflating her. The life she finds in Him makes her the proud owner of everything money can't buy – a life of contentment.
Dear Lord, help me to quiet my critical, striving spirit today and gratefully accept who I am and where I'm at in this moment. For You are here, ready to invisibly empower my life to count for plenty right where I am. Help me also to seek and hold your definition of "plenty" – nothing more and nothing less. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nothing More and Nothing Less by Rachel Olsen
A daily devotional (16 September 2010)
"You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought." Matthew 5:5 (MSG)
Lord, how can I become content with just who I am, nothing more and nothing less?
I'm certainly prone to want to be more, or less, than I am. To be smarter, prettier, funnier, fitter. To be more productive, perky and high energy. And then also to be lower key, calmer, more level-headed and focused.
I want to have better self-awareness, and yet I want to be less concerned about what others think of me.
I want to be a better cook, to sing beautifully and to keep the house neat without so much perceived effort. And did I mention fuller, thicker hair would be nice too? I want to be a better writer – one that's both highly creative and meticulously organized. And I want fewer propensities to run late, slack off or procrastinate.
Yes, I want to be both more and less of me.
Jesus shushes my endless listing of the things I want to change about myself – to improve about myself so I can have what I'm sure would be a better life. He asks me instead to humbly make peace with it all. To lay down my notions of a better woman and a better life by letting Him be the judge of that. To simply take what I'm given and offer it back to Him, in service and surrender. Willingly assuming that I am enough – I have what it takes to live a great life. One that pleases God, others and self.
Today's key verse is among several in the Bible that fuels a core conviction I hold: When I stop striving to create a life for myself, I find the life God creates for me. This, my friend, is a powerful truth, a divine secret. His life for me begins precisely where mine ends. My life ends in my sin and striving and begins again in God's grace and power. His empowering indwelling affords me everything I truly need and nothing I truly don't.
Do you too long to be content with just who you are in Christ – nothing more and nothing less? Jesus addresses us both in Matthew 23:11-12, ""Do you want to stand out? Then step down. Be a servant. If you puff yourself up, you'll get the wind knocked out of you. But if you're content to simply be yourself, your life will count for plenty." (MSG)
Amazingly, God's grace humbles a woman without degrading her, and His favor lifts her up without inflating her. The life she finds in Him makes her the proud owner of everything money can't buy – a life of contentment.
Prayer
Dear Lord, help me to quiet my critical, striving spirit today and gratefully accept who I am and where I'm at in this moment. For You are here, ready to invisibly empower my life to count for plenty right where I am. Help me also to seek and hold your definition of "plenty" – nothing more and nothing less. In Jesus' Name, Amen.
Application Steps:
It is possible to improve and grow - with dreams, plans and goals – and still be content today. Journal some notes to yourself about doing that – and schedule a time to return to read those notes in the future. Perhaps read it each Monday morning, or just whenever you feel yourself slipping into stressful striving.
Reflections:
Am I content today with who I am and where I'm at in life in this moment?
What can I do to find that contentment when it is missing?
Power Verses:
1 Peter 5:6-7, "So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you." (MSG)
Zephaniah 3:12-13, "This core holy people will not do wrong. They won't lie, won't use words to flatter or seduce. Content with who they are and where they are, unanxious, they'll live at peace." (MSG)
© 2010 by Rachel Olsen. All rights reserved.
It is possible to improve and grow - with dreams, plans and goals – and still be content today. Journal some notes to yourself about doing that – and schedule a time to return to read those notes in the future. Perhaps read it each Monday morning, or just whenever you feel yourself slipping into stressful striving.
Reflections:
Am I content today with who I am and where I'm at in life in this moment?
What can I do to find that contentment when it is missing?
Power Verses:
1 Peter 5:6-7, "So be content with who you are, and don't put on airs. God's strong hand is on you; he'll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you." (MSG)
Zephaniah 3:12-13, "This core holy people will not do wrong. They won't lie, won't use words to flatter or seduce. Content with who they are and where they are, unanxious, they'll live at peace." (MSG)
© 2010 by Rachel Olsen. All rights reserved.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So I'm guessing you understand now why I was laughing to myself that THIS was on the "To-Do" list that was causing me so much stress. I guess this is a tricky concept to completely "get". I find myself having to re-visit this topic through scripture, discussion, self-help books and articles... the same thing day after day after day. Every moment, it seems, I am re-affirming my desire to surrender all of these worries to God... my desire to stop the craziness of the rat race and just BE. And just a day, or hour, or minute later I'm back in it. It's not easy to separate from this world - this society - where the focus is always so heavy on what you "do". I know that I feel constant pressure to do more - to fit more things into each day - feeling immense satisfaction and relief when I am able to put a check mark after each item that is completed. The thing is, that relief is fleeting if it ever even comes. Most of my life is spent with stomach in knots and heart pounding as I strive frantically to reach this elusive "relief" I'm supposed to feel once I have it all together. The truth is... no one has it all together. There is always more that could be done, and what has been done probably could have been done better in some way. There is always some deadline coming up and people that we are either responsible to or responsible for. Funny how the shame of not meeting someone else's expectations of us or not living up to the image that we are trying to put out for the world to see is a more powerful motivator (and stressor) than the actual reality of the level of responsibility that we have and the relative importance of the task at hand. The Truth is that until I accept who I am - with all of my faults, shortcomings, and limitations - I will never be able to live up to my own expectations. Additionally, I need to consider the real importance of each item on that dreaded list. Am I panicked about it because there will actually be dire consequences if it doesn't get done TODAY, or am I more concerned about saving face and convincing myself and everyone around me that I am indeed superwoman? I guarantee that 90% of the time it's the latter situation.
So here it is folks... my anti-pep talk that can actually bring me up. "Kimberly, I love you... but you are not THAT important... nothing you think you have to do, nothing that is causing you so much anxiety is important enough that the world will end if it doesn't get done in its own time (if at all). No one really cares that you're superwoman (in fact, if you really were able to be that accomplished, no one would like you because they would think you are a snob with no time for a life or your friends). All these things that you think you have to do... all these things you think you have to be... none of it has anything to do with what God wants for you. THEY ARE ALL LIES! Heh... go figure. You know... if you actually understood what God wanted for your life, you'd probably be shocked at how little you would need to do. In fact... God would probably tear that stupid list in half, pronounce your freedom from the tyranny of over-scheduling, and put you on a beach somewhere just to chill together for a while (I bet God would put on a good reggae album). Try it sometime... sometime soon... it would make the big guy pretty happy to have some quality time with you."
And there you have it... what God REALLY wants of us... US!!! He wants more of us... more of our time... more of our hearts... more relationship... more conversation. And this doesn't require doing MORE... but doing LESS. It requires stopping the craziness and finding a moment of solitude in the quiet. It requires choosing to forgo the mental tap dance of all our "to-do"s clickety-clacking through our heads, and instead rejoice! Dance like a maniac, sing, roll down a grassy hill, have a good cry, or just sit in the rare quiet. Open up your heart to God... surrender the things that burden it... and just BE. You will more thank likely end up BEING exactly the YOU that God intended... no more, no less
So once again (and forgive me if we end up going through this same little heart-to-heart again tomorrow), I surrender it all to You, God. I give you all my worries. I give you all my fear. Lord, I know you are good. You have good things planned for me and for my life and I don't have to be scared to let go of my plan and let you carry out yours. Thank you for loving me that much. Thank you for reminding me every day of how much I need you. Let me reflect this joy and your love in my life. Help me to get through my day without being dragged down my fatigue... give me the strength to sing out praises to you tomorrow and to be a light to all the people that cross my path.
13 September 2010
Safari njema langu
Despite the title in Swahili, this is NOT another blog about my travels in Africa. But, this blog IS about an incredible journey - one that I wanted to be able to share honestly, openly... authentically. So why did I choose this strange blog name? Safari njema langu. In Swahili, this means "my good journey". It's not just my love of Africa and speaking Swahili that inspired this title, but somehow saying these words in their original language is so much more accurately descriptive than the English translation. As I'm sure most Americans do, I always defined the word safari as a trip through the African wild... the adventure of traveling rugged terrain in a 4x4, staring in awe at the expansive landscape and excitedly pointing out the exotic animals I might find through the lens of a set of binoculars. But the reality is, in Swahili, safari just means journey. It's a trip to Gramma's house for a visit, a long commute to work... boring (no offense Gramma), ordinary experiences of daily life with no guarantees of seeing a giraffe or zebra. During my travels through Africa I often had the phrase "Safari njema!" shouted at me by friends and acquaintances as I moved from one place to the next. It's basically the equivalent of "Bon voyage!", wishing me safe and happy travels.
Now, what does this have to do with my life right now - stationary back in California after returning from my trip to Zambia to finish my last year in graduate school? This phrase actually popped into my head as my pastor's wife spoke at a recent gathering of women from our church. She spoke of life as a journey and for some reason (because I had just returned from an incredible journey?) this oft-used analogy spoke to me... LOUDLY. It isn't easy to stay in one familiar place once you've tasted the excitement of world travel. Ever since my first trip to Tanzania, I became addicted to the intoxication I feel at even the thought of traveling to some new place. I had a hard time adjusting upon my return from Tanzania and even after returning to a sense of normalcy after a few months, I constantly longed for the excitement of travel. But, my return from Zambia has been different. Yes, I love travel and always will... but, I've begun to see how - even though I have returned "home" - I am embarking on a whole new journey. Maybe it's just the continuation of a life-long journey, amplified with a spark of feeling as though I'm starting a new chapter. The truth is, this ordinary life in American suburbia is just as thrilling... full of just as much uncertainty and anticipation. I have been on a journey for some time (my entire life, I suppose)... making my way towards the heart of God, diving into the depths of my inner world, and exploring the uncertain path of a destiny that has yet to be revealed to me.
The other part of why this title has so much meaning to me is that, like any of the journeys that excite me, this one is full of risk and danger. Life is crazy. Plain and simple. It's a mess of moments - full of both joy and sorrow - and you can never quite be sure which moment is coming next. This weekend alone has illustrated this fact perfectly. It felt like a month's worth of moments packed into just a few days and my head was spinning from all the drastically different emotions I was feeling. It was filled with tragedy and sorrow, joy and love, the comfort of companionship and the agony of isolation, falling flat on my face, and also being lifted up by a God that loves me (despite all my screw-ups). And at the end of the weekend, I felt joy. And I guess that's the point I'm trying to make. Yes, life is a mess. Terrible things happen and I feel completely broken sometimes. I scream and cry and my heart gets broken by the world on a daily basis it seems at times. But in the end, it is good. Life is good. God is good. This journey... is good.
So I invite you (whatever crazy person actually decided that they wanted to read the ramblings of another person who has no idea what they're talking about) to come with me on this journey. I will try to be as open and honest as I can... which is NOT an easy thing for me to get over my pride and do. I hope that in showing my vulnerability, someone might be able to relate. That's the beauty of humanity... the shared experiences of being human (even when we don't want to fess up to it). So comment... let this be a discussion, not a lecture. Call me on my b.s. and help me discover Truth through the Socratic Method. And I guess this is also a reminder to myself that I am on a journey that is exciting enough to be worthy of documentation... even if it doesn't take me outside my national borders for a while.
Now, what does this have to do with my life right now - stationary back in California after returning from my trip to Zambia to finish my last year in graduate school? This phrase actually popped into my head as my pastor's wife spoke at a recent gathering of women from our church. She spoke of life as a journey and for some reason (because I had just returned from an incredible journey?) this oft-used analogy spoke to me... LOUDLY. It isn't easy to stay in one familiar place once you've tasted the excitement of world travel. Ever since my first trip to Tanzania, I became addicted to the intoxication I feel at even the thought of traveling to some new place. I had a hard time adjusting upon my return from Tanzania and even after returning to a sense of normalcy after a few months, I constantly longed for the excitement of travel. But, my return from Zambia has been different. Yes, I love travel and always will... but, I've begun to see how - even though I have returned "home" - I am embarking on a whole new journey. Maybe it's just the continuation of a life-long journey, amplified with a spark of feeling as though I'm starting a new chapter. The truth is, this ordinary life in American suburbia is just as thrilling... full of just as much uncertainty and anticipation. I have been on a journey for some time (my entire life, I suppose)... making my way towards the heart of God, diving into the depths of my inner world, and exploring the uncertain path of a destiny that has yet to be revealed to me.
The other part of why this title has so much meaning to me is that, like any of the journeys that excite me, this one is full of risk and danger. Life is crazy. Plain and simple. It's a mess of moments - full of both joy and sorrow - and you can never quite be sure which moment is coming next. This weekend alone has illustrated this fact perfectly. It felt like a month's worth of moments packed into just a few days and my head was spinning from all the drastically different emotions I was feeling. It was filled with tragedy and sorrow, joy and love, the comfort of companionship and the agony of isolation, falling flat on my face, and also being lifted up by a God that loves me (despite all my screw-ups). And at the end of the weekend, I felt joy. And I guess that's the point I'm trying to make. Yes, life is a mess. Terrible things happen and I feel completely broken sometimes. I scream and cry and my heart gets broken by the world on a daily basis it seems at times. But in the end, it is good. Life is good. God is good. This journey... is good.
So I invite you (whatever crazy person actually decided that they wanted to read the ramblings of another person who has no idea what they're talking about) to come with me on this journey. I will try to be as open and honest as I can... which is NOT an easy thing for me to get over my pride and do. I hope that in showing my vulnerability, someone might be able to relate. That's the beauty of humanity... the shared experiences of being human (even when we don't want to fess up to it). So comment... let this be a discussion, not a lecture. Call me on my b.s. and help me discover Truth through the Socratic Method. And I guess this is also a reminder to myself that I am on a journey that is exciting enough to be worthy of documentation... even if it doesn't take me outside my national borders for a while.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)