So much time passes between these entries. It's incredible how much life happens in just a week... much less in months. And yet, when I go back and read through my ramblings, it seems like maybe it's the same things happening. Or at least it all looks and feels similar enough. The details change, but the themes remain. I guess you can't really deviate too much when it comes to the human condition... kind of one of those generally consistent type of things, right? Even in it's inconsistency.
I feel as though I'm constantly coming to the same brilliant realizations. I'll concede that they are, in fact, probably those things that my mother has been telling me my whole life... and still I need them to be revealed to me in dramatic epiphanies... over and over again. Haha. Yes, I am actually chuckling to myself... out loud.
There is so much peace in this moment. I have always found that there is something about the very early hours of the morning that seem almost surreal. Maybe it's the quiet of the sleeping world around me... or perhaps it's my own delirium after staying up for so many hours trying to finish some project or paper. But, for the first time in what feels like a long time I felt this sudden wave of calm wash over me. And in this moment of peacefulness, I look back at the last few weeks of insanity and am literally shaking my head, eyes wide, trying to soak it all in. Life is so much in flux that I feel like the minute I even try to pin it down with words trying to articulate it, the moment, the sensation is over and it's on to the next. I have one thought or realization about something and in the next breath it is immediately challenged. There is no "figuring it out". And, as I get older, I am starting to wonder if there is every any end goal or true "accomplishment" in this life. Maybe all of these items on our to-do lists are just some arbitrary way for us to mark time and parcel our lives out into manageable bits. Not to say that the things that make up our lives are insignificant, but that what we do has more to do with the process of doing that the end-result of what we've done. Maybe the point isn't to figure it all out, but to seek Truth.. We aren't supposed to save or change the world, but to enrich it with our attempts. Efforts to mark tasks off of a to-do list that will continuously grow are senseless, but for the framework that our "to-dos" give us in which to interact with the world.
I've had the book of Ecclesiastes on my mind quite a bit lately. As I have been running myself ragged trying to seek "accomplishment", I am beginning to see the wisdom in those pages. So much of what crowds my thoughts and furrows my brow is really quite pointless. Do what brings you joy and honors God. Be good and obedient and savor the gifts you have been blessed with. There is beauty in the simplicity of that. Of course, anyone who knows me can be quite confident that simple and I just do not go together. I tend to make things as difficult and complicated as possible. It's in my nature I suppose. But a girl can try. I may need to have these dramatic acceptance of wisdom on a regular basis.... but we're all works in progress.
Just a few hours of sleep and then I will be up and on to trying to contain the next "crisis". But, I'll always have this moment.... a moment of delirious and delicious calm... a moment of being stopped in my tracks at the sheer wonder of life.
