The past few months have been crazy... and I have a feeling that the next few will continue to keep me on my toes. Life is so dynamic... constantly in flux. It feels like you barely have a second to get comfortable and then things change and it's onto the next thing... or sometimes back to the old. And, as taxing as this emotional roller coaster can be, the one thing I'm learning is that you have to get comfortable being uncomfortable. When all is said and done things are pretty incredible, and while sometimes I wish I could go back in time and make better decisions or react in a different way, really I wouldn't change a thing. This is life. This is the consequence of being free.
In the past few months I've faced the fear of allowing myself to be vulnerable, felt the bitterness of disappointment, struggled with my own feelings of anger and judgement, taken time to learn to let go and draw close to God, laughed until I cried, cried until finally I could laugh again, had visions of a future entirely different from anything I ever thought possible for my life, felt an awakening of my heart and a new voice bubbling up from within myself, soared high on fumes of success, and fell short in so many ways. When I was a girl I thought that by the time I was 25 I'd have it all figured out, but now I know that this is only the beginning of learning who I am and what I'm here for. I feel so privileged to have this opportunity to grow, exploring all the possibilities, dreaming impossible and illogical dreams, and allowing myself the space to fail miserably.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the story of the exodus from Egypt. The Israelites were slaves to the Egyptians. They lived in horrible conditions - humiliated and held captive. Then God sent Moses to lead them out of slavery. Sounds great, yeah? Moses was going to bring them to the Promised Land - a place that flowed with milk and honey, a place they could only dream of. And you want to know the crazy thing? They had barely left Egypt and the Israelites were already wishing they could go back. The asked Moses why he didn't just leave them there. The truth was, they had accepted their slavery, become comfortable in their predictable misery. And, while the Promised Land sounded great, the journey there involved going through the Wilderness. Now the Wilderness is a tough place to be. They had no idea what to expect. They didn't know where their next meal would come from and they didn't know how long they would have to wander. And I'm sure they questioned whether or not the Promised Land even existed. Why should we uproot our lives in search of something that seems so impossible??? But God provided... He gave them manna every morning. He met their needs. And He was with them as they struggled in the Wilderness. Even though it was the hardest and bravest thing they had ever done, they were never alone. Even when they got to the Promised Land and encountered conflict and opposition, God never left their side. But once we've gotten through the Wilderness and faced whatever opposition comes our way... on the other side is everything we ever dreamed of... more than that even... on the other side is victory... on the other side is everything God has promised to us. Why are people so comfortable in their slavery? Nothing good will ever come without stepping boldly out into the Wilderness and fighting through every trial. It will seem impossible. God will never call you to do anything that isn't impossible... without Him that is. The greatness we are designed for is something that we cannot achieve on our own, but only because God is with us.
Sometimes it seems like we've walked through the Wilderness our whole lives. Sometimes we can't even remember what we were heading towards in the first place... can't remember what our Promised Land will even look like. Sometimes we don't even know that it's possible, and we think that there isn't anything more for us than slavery. Sometimes we just aren't willing to face the fear of walking through the Wilderness for a while. I feel like a lot of people in my life have been walking through the Wilderness this past year. They know that they are meant for something greater, and with each step closer that they take, more obstacles are put in their way. But I know that the time is coming. In fact I believe that the time is near. I've been meditating on this all through Advent, as I await Christmas - the time that we celebrate the arrival of our King. In the midst of this dark and stormy winter a great light is coming that will light the way out of the Wilderness. I see an incredible breakthrough in the new year. I keep hearing this word in my heart - victory... VICTORY!! 2011 is going to be a big year. And the crazy thing is that the Promised Land might not look like what we thought. There was a time when I thought I would arrive to a life where I was a doctor or a scientist. I wanted the esteem of society and my peers... I wanted money. And then I did something crazy... I started chasing after God and what He wants for me. And everything changed. I learned that music makes me feel more alive than a discussion on viral entry mechanisms. I learned that my relationships matter more than my resume. I learned that you have to do what brings you Joy, not what brings you wealth. I learned that there is nothing more exhilarating and satisfying than doing exactly what you were designed for... not just what you're good at.
And so now I fall asleep with new dreams dancing around in my head. A vision of a non-profit with a mission that I believe in with all my heart. Drumbeats that keep time with my heartbeat. Guitar rifts that make me want to cry. And a song that will tell the world everything that I am dying to scream out. A life built on love and joy and faith... and the absolute trust that anything more that I need will be provided... as manna rained down on the Israelites.
