Exhale

Phew!  Comprehensive paper is DONE!!!  The past few weeks have been absolutely crazy trying to get it finished.  It took so many sleepless nights, so much of me... and it feels like the culmination of the last 8 years of higher education.  I didn't sleep for 4 nights in a row leading up to submitting it.  I have never been so tired in my life.  I couldn't see straight, couldn't think straight.  So after that was done, I slept.  I slept and slept and slept.  And now I'm awake and I feel like everything is brand new.  I feel this sense of excitement and anticipation welling up inside of me.  I feel like my eyes are open wider than every before and my vision is crystal clear.  All the weight that I felt dragging me down and the fog that made everything so hazy and dull is GONE.  And I feel FREE.  I feel like singing and dancing and shouting praises in the streets!  I can't wait to see what happens next...

Get It Right...

...and if you don't, persevere.

So maybe it's just a silly GLEE song, but these lyrics feel so completely appropriate for this moment.  It's hard to feel like you just keep coming up short.  Despite good intentions and effort... the end result just isn't what you had hoped for.  The hardest thing is when you know that it's the result of an inadequacy or error on your own part.  And the truth is that we are hopelessly inadequate.  I am starting to understand the incredibly frailty that comes with being human.  I spent so much of my life honestly believing that I could be Superwoman and it's a little deflating (and humbling) to realize that I am bound by my own limitations.

Now, before this turns into a mopey pity-party, there's a catch.  Maybe realizing my own inadequacy opens me up to call on something greater than myself.   Maybe watching things tumble down around me can teach me to let go of my own expectations for what should be and start appreciating what is.  And even when poor outcomes are the result of poor decisions, I have a freedom to pick myself back up and try again.  There is no such thing as irredeemable, for GRACE abounds. 

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Lyrics

What have I done? I wish I could
Away from this ship goin’ under
Just tryin’ to help, hurt everyone
Now I feel the weight of the world is
On my shoulders

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
‘Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

Can I start again with my faith shaken?
‘Cause I can’t go back and undo this
I just have to stay and face my mistakes
But if I get stronger and wiser
I’ll get through this

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
‘Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

So I throw up my fist
I will punch in the air
And accept the truth that sometimes life isn’t fair
Yeah, I’ll send out a wish
Yeah, I’ll send up a prayer
And finally, someone will see
How much I care!

What can you do when your good isn’t good enough?
When all that you touch tumbles down?
‘Cause my best intentions keep making a mess of things
I just wanna fix it somehow

But how many it times will it take?
Oh, how many times will it take for me?
To get it right
To get it ri-igh-ight

Disciple

I woke up this morning thinking about what it means to be a disciple of Jesus.  I learned early on in my Sunday school days that Jesus had 12 disciples - 12 guys that were pretty much his entourage.  For a long time I kept this idea of a disciple pretty much separate from the concept of a modern Christian.  As I've gotten older, I'm starting to realizing that being a Christian means to be a disciple of Jesus.  He didn't just have those 12 guys following him around two thousand years ago, but right here, right now there are literally BILLIONS of people worldwide that call themselves Christians - followers of Christ.  So now that I think about it, to be a Christian - to follow Jesus -  is to be a modern-day disciple.

I kinda feel a little bit like the guy that walked up to Jesus after he gave that famous bit about the "greatest commandment".  After hearing Jesus answer the Pharisees that the greatest commandments are to love God and love one another, this guy goes up to Jesus and basically tells him that he just blew his mind.  He realized that there were huge implications to this simple statement.  To follow these two commandments would mean to completely transform his life.  I feel kinda the same way about this whole disciple thing.  Once I realized that being a Christian means that I am a disciple - my mind pretty much exploded and has been spinning ever since.  In order to call myself a Christian and have it be more than just lip-service, I have to follow Jesus in the same way that those 12 guys did.  Being a disciple means living my life as though Jesus were physically here with me (I realize this would kinda negate that very important act of sacrifice that is the basis of salvation, but go with me on this).  How would I live differently if Jesus were standing here with me - walking next to me, talking to me, teaching me, sharing meals with me, praying with me?

I know that Jesus is with me all the time, but somehow it's still easy for me to be a little bit lazy as a disciple when I can't see a physical person that is Jesus.  If Jesus was here with me, I have a feeling I would be pretty embarrassed if I chose to sleep in or spend the day in my PJs watching Hulu.  I would probably get up early and make time for prayer, have a cup of coffee over deep discussions about God, and then get to all of the important work that needs to be done in this world.  Who would choose to stay in bed if Jesus was sitting in their living room waiting to them to come and join him in changing the world????  And, yet I choose this more than I can admit without feeling pretty rotten.  When I think about how the life of a disciple is described in the Bible, I am pretty blown away.  I can't say that I've ever asked Jesus to let me walk to him... ON WATER!  But, Peter did.  Despite the fact that I know in my mind that I am washed clean from my past and am a transformed person, I still live in the past at times... defining myself by who I was and not who God sees that I am... holding onto past shame, hurt, and grudges.  Saul was a murderer... he made martyrs out of Christians, but once he allowed God to transform his life (and his name), Paul became a foundational leader of the early Church and in reading his letters it doesn't seem like he ever looked back.  He didn't let his past determine his future... he pushed forward to work tirelessly for the Kingdom and was a great encourager to all of those new Christians.  A group of fishermen left their nets, their livelihood, everything they knew without hesitation to follow this strange guy that was called Jesus and believed him when he said he could make them "fishers of men" (although I wonder if they went ahead and followed him, thinking in their heads "I'm going to go with this guy.... but what the heck does that mean anyway?").  A sick woman had the audacity to believe that if she only touched Jesus' clothes she could be healed.

That's the word that comes to mind when I think about the people that followed Jesus while he was alive on this earth... AUDACITY.  Jesus transformed people in his presence.  He changed them at their core and suddenly they had the audacity to do and believe impossible things.  So how would that look if we were to do the same?  What would I be willing to do if Jesus was chilling on my couch that I'm not doing now? (I can bet that we wouldn't just be sitting around on the couch for very long).  I can imagine that I would live a life with more discipline, more dedication to making each moment awesome, a greater commitment to working HARD to fulfill my God-given purpose.  I might be less quick to brush something off as "ridiculous", "ill-logical", or "impossible" if I was living my life in a supernatural way... looking at things from "heaven's perspective".  If I was spending every day traveling all over with this Jesus guy, I bet I would talk to him A LOT more than I do now.  I KNOW I would listen to him more.

So my challenge to myself is to try to make my life align more closely to the disciples in the Bible.  I want to be a DISCIPLE and not just a "Christian".  I want to be willing to give up what is comfortable or familiar to have the honor of living with Jesus (not just worshiping him).  I want to know him and for him to know me in a way that reflects the intimacy of people who spend their day-to-day lives together.  I think about how well my old roommate and best friend knows me because we lived together - we shared everything - no one knows my heart or my habits in the way that she does.  It's hard to hide from someone you come home to.  They see you in your weakest and most vulnerable moments and vice-versa.  I want to live with audacity.  I want to believe in crazy, impossible things, and have the faith to ACT upon the notion that the impossible is possible.  I want to live with discipline - that there be nothing that I would be embarrassed for Jesus to witness (like spending hours on Facebook instead of doing the work he calls me to do).  I want to treat people (and think about them) in a way that reflects the heart of Jesus (and not my own bitterness, jealousy, hurt, or anger).  And mostly, I want to lean on him for guidance... to follow his example.  So, feel free to ask me how this is going.  My goal is to try to wake up each morning and imagine what my day would look like if I was really being a disciple... and then get up and do it! 

Fill the Void

It seems that even in the smallest and most insignificant object, there is a story.  Case-in-point... the soy chai latte that I am currently enjoying.  It's more than just a beverage.  Tonight, it is the culmination of an hour-long walk and time alone with God and my thoughts.

I am a person prone to loneliness.  Not because I am ever alone, but because I have an especially strong desire to live in communion.  I've been like this my whole life.  We (humans) were designed to live in community... we are motivated by an inherent need for relationship.  I live my life constantly interacting with people.  I live in an apartment with four other women (plus frequent guests that come and in and out of our "revolving door").  I work at a busy coffeeshop where I interact with over a hundred people in one shift (probably much more).  I am the sort of person that walks down the street and greets every person that comes across my path.  And yet, the ache of loneliness still finds its way into my heart from time to time.  See, it's not enough for me to just be around people, but I need to have relationships with other people... deep, meaningful relationships with love, intimacy, and vulnerability.  Ironically, for as much as I need this, allowing myself to be vulnerable to other people is a pretty scary thing for me and something that I have to consciously work on.

We were not just made to live in communion with each other, but above all, to live in communion with God - the creator of the universe... and each of us.  I wasn't always aware that I needed this so desperately.  There was a time when I would feel that emptiness and assume that it was a void that needed to be filled by another person... and the trouble with that is that it's not always feasible to have a person right there to come through to meet that need.  Now, when I feel that emptiness, I know that my first reaction must be to reach out to God.  As much as I am sometimes still left wishing that I could curl up like a child in my mother's lap, or sit and talk with my best friend, I know that my relationship with my creator is the most satisfying of all (plus God doesn't mind if I call at 3am).

I think that a lot of us make the mistake of depending on other people to fill a God-shaped void.  As I was thinking about this on my walk, I thought of a poem that I wrote many years ago (yes, I'm finally getting around to how chai fits into this).  I must have been around 18 years old and in the poem, I compared my boyfriend to a soy chai latte.  Actually, the exact quote was "Sometimes I wish you would melt into my soy chai.  I'd swallow you down and carry you inside me forever."  A bit melodramatic, but I was young and head-over-heels in love with a man I was planning on spending my life with (I had no idea the adventure that God had planned for me instead).    I thought that he could fill me up and give me comfort and satisfaction always.  Soy chai lattes have always been a comfort thing for me.  Something about the warmth, and spice, and smoothness of the soy just fills me up and is what I crave at the end of a crazy day.  I feel that warmth and comfort fill me from the inside out.  And that, to me is how it feels when I fill up on God... except it's deeper, more satisfying, and lasts longer than any beverage, or man (plus it doesn't come with empty calories or broken hearts).

On Sunday at Bay Church Seth talked about salvation.  He talked about why we need it.  It's not just some buzz-word or vague concept.  It's not some mystical phenomena.  The reality is that we are separated from God by sin.  Adam and Eve experienced that in a very literal way when they were booted out of the Garden of Eden and no longer had that same intimacy of walking with God in the garden.  In my own life, I have felt the distance between me and God grow as I let sin and disobedience creep into my heart and my actions.  Salvation isn't just like getting a hall pass from God, it's the very thing that closes the separation between us and our creator.  Salvation isn't just given out, but the result of reaching out to God... asking for a real relationship... asking God to fill you up and come into your life and soul in the most intimate way.

Whether a person is Christian or not, the desire for relationship is still there.  I look at the world and human history and I see how we are motivated not just by the desire to have relationship with other people, but to also feel intimately connected to the universe.  Ultimately, this is why "religion" and "spirituality" exist.  We know instinctively that we find meaning and purpose in our lives when we are connected in this way.  Whether we strip down the Christian trappings and terminology and refer to a "higher power", "the universe", "mother goddess", or whatever else we want to call it... it's all coming from the same desire put on our hearts by the same one God.  At our core, we are all searching for a connection to our creator, the creator of everything.  Maslow refers to it as "self-transcendence" in his hierarchy of needs, and I believe that a relationship with God is also at the core of what he calls "self-actualization".  Even if we try to deny it or are unaware of it... we need to live in communion with God in order to be fully satisfied.  In this relationship we find ourselves... our purpose... as well as comfort.  No other person, and certainly no delicious beverage can quell the ache of loneliness.  There is a God-sized void that nothing else will fill.