I can't tell you how important it is that I impress upon you this truth... people are rarely who they appear to be. Now I'm not trying to make you paranoid or imply that the people that you trust are really serial killers and psychopaths, but I think it is important to learn and remember that the person that you think has it all together - that person that appears to have the perfect life - may not be as put together as you think.
We all do it... put someone up on a pedestal, either with the effect of fueling jealousy or just to have someone to serve as a positive example or mentor. But, you have to remember that we all have our junk. That person that you think is doing everything right, just might feel as lost as you do.
Why is it so important to keep up appearances? Why do we hide behind these thin veils of composure - flaunting our resumes of achievements, but rarely are we brave enough to expose our struggles or our failings? Okay, maybe not everyone does this. Maybe it is possible that there really are people out there that are just totally genuine and have no problem being transparent. I applaud those people. But, in my experience... often we see the best in people, put on the rose-colored glasses, and never see the real experience of being them.
I will admit that, personally, I do this. I'm not sure it's even on purpose anymore. So for the sake of full disclosure and as an exercise to confront my fear of honesty (and the potential for embarrassment), let me clarify a few things.
I have heard people say that I seem to have my life figured out - that I know exactly what I want to do. I have had friends who mentioned being impressed with how much I am able to do in a day. I know that it is quite an accomplishment to be in the graduate program that I am in. In groups of people I am usually the one with a big smile on my face, chatting excitedly with anyone that I can. It's not that these things aren't true... it's just that what you see is never the whole story.
The reality is that I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I think that I was always able to articulate a life-plan that sounded exciting and ambitious... maybe it was what I wanted at some point. Even though my future plans changed, I always seemed to have a clearly articulated plan that I could rattle off. The reality is I'm not sure if I want to do any of the things that I've talked about. The only thing I know for sure is that I liked my old job in Long Beach, I'm happiest when I'm in Africa, and I think diseases are cool.
In truth, while I have moments of incredible energy and can pound out a seemingly in-human to-do list when I am motivated to... I have a greater than acceptable number of days where I want to do nothing. Days where I will get NOTHING accomplished just because I'm in a funky mood and feeling stubborn and lazy. I don't always follow-through with my obligations.
I am honored to have the opportunity for advanced study in a prestigious degree program. And yet, I'm not sure I even like school. I'm not sure I even want to be a student anymore and while I should be soaking up all I can here, I am really just trying to get through until I have another piece of paper saying I've accomplished something and all of this student loan debt was worth it.
And, finally... while I think that my general personality is a friendly one, I have plenty of moments where I just feel like crap. I have times where I don't feel like smiling, where I avoid having to talk to people because I can't get that "happy" sound in my voice, and I don't even want to interact with the world. I have had days where I have not even left the house at all, just because I can't stand to have people see me when I am unhappy.
This isn't supposed to be some downer entry. Overall, my life is pretty darn good and I am blessed to have it. But, I just wanted to illustrate how we only ever get a thinly-veiled version of Truth with most people. So I think we need to encourage each other to be more transparent. Maybe if we weren't so scared of being judged for our faults, it would be easier to wear them openly on our sleeve.
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