Tonight I found myself perusing the Mission Outfitter website and suddenly burst into tears. I guess the contrast against the hours I've spent combing over jobsites just got to me. With the enormous amounts of debt I've accumulated over the last eight years of higher education hanging over my head, it seems that the pertinent thing to do at this time is get a good job - the kind with a good salary, a competitive benefits package, and the capability to position me to start my climb up that proverbial career ladder. And yet, as tears were streaming down my face, all I could think is.... I just want to make sure every child gets vaccinated for measles and polio. I want to be sure mothers are educated on how to make sure their families get essential nutrition even when food is difficult to afford. I want get rid of parasites in distended bellies. I want to do something real, tangible, immediate. I want to look into the eyes of the people my efforts might be helping. I want to travel to parts of the world where people feel forgotten and show them that there is someone who loves them, who hears them, and who will not let them be ignored. I want to go into places where faith is fading andsee hope restored. After eight years of higher education... I have no idea how I am going to do any of this. And after a month and a half just hanging out, making coffee... I'm not any closer to figuring it out.
So now I'm standing at the edge of this cliff... peering down - I can't see anything - and I step off. I have no parachute... no safety harness... and NO idea what might be down there to break my fall. Technically homeless when my lease is up in 4 days and pretty much flat broke, I've quit my job before knowing if and when I will have a new one, and in a week I'm heading out into the desert (literally) desperately praying that I'll hear the voice of God and get some direction while I'm out there. There's a good chance I might be crazy... although some might say I am strong in faith. I've a feeling it's most likely a bit of both.
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