Freedom

The last couple weeks have been pretty powerful.  There have been a lot of different things that I've wanted to blog about, but never took the time.  And, looking back, I noticed an over-arching theme.  I am desperately praying for (and moving towards) FREEDOM.

Before the retreat, there was a shadow of fear over me.  I kept praying for a releasing of that fear.  I found myself some days paralyzed by anxiety and unable to drag myself out of bed.  I didn't know what to expect from the retreat, but I was terrified of that as well.  I felt nervous, like a kid going off to camp - wondering if I would fit in... if I would feel like I had friends in a strange place so far from home.  I felt uncertain of what I wanted out of the experience and uncertain of the direction that God wanted me to be going in during that time.  And so I prayed.  I prayed for courage, for strength.  I prayed for a releasing of my fear and anxiety.  Unable to sleep the first night, I literally found myself at the foot of the cross, pouring my heart out... praying for the courage to leave it all at His feet.  I realized that I NEEDED to let go.  I needed to let go of my fear.  I needed to let go of control.  I needed to trust in something outside of myself.  And, even if that is the desire of my heart, it is still a difficult thing to actually DO.

That desire was put to the ultimate test for me.  The very next morning, I decided on a whim to forgo shopping in Sonora and joined a couple of my girlfriends who got persuaded into doing the high ropes course.  Now the thing you need to understand is that I am TERRIFIED of heights.  An old boyfriend once took me rock-climbing without knowing this and I had a panic attack (much to his surprise) halfway up the wall and made a fool of myself with a full-on meltdown.  I get nervous just watching another person on a ladder.  Yet something inside of me told me that it was time to put some action behind those prayers.  I first did the "Leap of Faith"... a climb up a tree to a small platform 50 feet from the ground... and then you jump.  You jump out to a trapeze bar, hoping that you'll grab it because for some reason you just can't get your brain to really believe that you are held by a safety harness and will not plummet to your death.  After that, I did the ropes course - climbing to 40 feet and walking along tight-ropes from tree to tree, clipping my harness onto wires above me as I moved along, and ending with a zip-line back down to Earth.  The whole time my legs were trembling and I felt like I couldn't breathe.  My body ached from climbing up the trees and clinging to the ropes and wires as I navigated the course.  At one point I wanted so badly to stop.  I was tired and I was scared and I just didn't want to do any more... and I heard myself say, "You have to finish.  You have no choice."  And that was the truth.  There was no stopping.  There was no way down but to go forward through to the end of the course.  And in that moment I realized something... what ever made me think that giving up in the face of fear was ever an option?  How many times have I let fear keep me from moving forward in my life?  How many times have I sacrificed the life I want and the person I want to be because I was scared and didn't want to deal with feeling uncomfortable?  The reality is... I HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE!  There is one path for me.  There is one life that God has intended for me and I have no other choice but to keep moving forward in the face of all of my fears.  How different would my life be if I thought about it in this way? On that ropes course, I did something amazing.  I was terrified, and yet I kept moving forward.  I completed something  even though I was sick with fear and felt uncomfortable both physically and emotionally.  And the only way I was able to get through that was (1) I told myself there was no other choice and (2) I prayed for God to take away my fear... I confessed my trust in Him and stopped depending on myself with all of my limitations and instead I believed that I could do something extraordinary because of God

We seek freedom, but how much are we willing to give up in order to get that?  We are bound to all of these things like shackles on our legs and somehow that imprisonment is a source of some sort of twisted comfort.  Even when we are free from our chains, sometimes we sit with them still in our hands, unable to claim our freedom that is there for the taking.  I have worked very hard for over 10 years to break free from the chains that have bound me.  And, it is surprisingly hard to walk away from that which has held me captive, even once those shackles are broken.  It is one thing to have these incredible experiences and moments of enlightenment... but the tough part is in the reality of life... putting it into practice day after day... moment after moment.  We all have things that bind us - things that enslave us.  Some are easier to give up than others.  Slowly I have been giving up all of the things that have kept me from a relationship with God and from claiming the freedom that is my birthright as a daughter of the king.  And on a daily basis I am struggling with that one thing that has held power over me for so many years.  After all these years of hard work, the shackles are broken... I am no longer chained to it... and yet it takes incredible strength to walk away.  There are times when I throw down those chains in disgust and strut off.  There are times when I turn back as the fear creeps in.  Freedom is HARD.  Freedom takes courage.  Freedom takes trust in God.  Freedom takes sacrifice.  This is my greatest struggle right now, but a battle I am confident will be won.  I trust in God - my Father and my protector.  I know that all that He has planned for me is good... if only I would reach out and take it.  So I pray daily to be fortified by God - to be made strong and courageous... so that I can humble myself and lay down those chains once and for all... so that I can give it all up - my fear, my need for control, my self-destructive security blankets, and every wall that I have built up around my heart - give it all up to the one who desires to take on our every burden and release us into FREEDOM.